(Written in Hunger Mountain Co-op in Montpelier, before I see Karen for a therapy appointment)
Still struggling with depression. Mostly OK as I drove over, but it’s a grim grey day. I realized I don’t see any people, I see bleak fields, dead trees, abandoned houses, cars. Of course there are houses that are OK, but no people visible. So when I’m alone, driving through a bleak landscape, how can I be doing God’s work? “I’m gonna live … so God can use me…” Are you using me god? Are you there? Do you have some plan that redeems all the horrible things that are happening in the world?
At least here in the café are people. There’s good healthy food here, and people doing good with their lives.
So, God, can you help me out here?
Dear Jenny — you are appreciating and loving all the things you see. You are not doing anything to hurt anybody, you are not hiding your pain through addiction or abuse of someone else. You are doing your best to make the world a better place. You are not judging or criticizing anyone. Just as you are, you are holding a vision of a world that works for everyone. None of this is trivial. Without doing anything more, you are making a big difference in the world.
(the next day)
“Blessed Lord Jesus have mercy on me.” Repeating that helped me get out of bed. Everything’s covered with snow, about an inch. Lots of birds coming to the feeders. Karen said that I am still grieving, that I have good reason to feel sad and tired. I think I was hoping I was out of it, having one good day when I was comfortable with my life gave me the illusion I could stay that way. Maybe I’m even making myself wrong — “OK, you’ve felt sorry for yourself for long enough, now it’s time to move on.” No. I want to honor the loss of Bella — she brought brightness and humor to my day, she loved me and I loved her. And I need to honor the rest of my losses, so many, and many that I never mourned properly because I trivialized them.