Written in July 2009
I can’t remember the session with Caryn very well. I went back to my corner and told her how I had gotten “too big” and needed to pull back. I had brought the doll I had made and I held her and cried a lot. Caryn said something about the physiology of grief, how it helped disconnect things in the brain. I did some subtle discharge, and she gave me detailed feedback. I said how meaningful had been her image of the chord, feeling several feelings at once, and told her how I had been able to have both my sadness and the beauty of the day. She said I was widening the banks of consciousness to include more life energy. Even when I don’t fully understand what she’s saying, I think her feedback is giving me the kind of mirroring I didn’t get in childhood. I told her how I had healed from the airplane phobia, and then cried and mourned for the 14 years in bondage to fear of planes and airports. So much life wasted. At one point, I don’t know why the thought came to me, maybe it was the memory of Deena saying the greatest Bodhisattvas are found in the deepest hells, I thought that if I were a Bodhisattva who had chosen this lifetime for the purpose of healing, then I wouldn’t feel that it had been wasted at all. I told Caryn about the exercise with Deena and how when I heard the call to return to earth, my heart went out to the blue-green planet — Oh! Earth! — and I stood right up, ready to go back. O my. If that were true. I sit here feeling a kind of amazed joy. Caryn said I embodied compassion — I said “to be the change you want to see in the world.”
The Bodhisattva Vow is to keep returning to life on earth until all living beings are enlightened.