(Written in May 2005)
The work with Brad was pendulating between the cold grey frozen place, and the colorful place filled with life. I described the “World of Diversity” and Brad said I had brought it out of all the life and color that’s inside me. He asked what if I held them both together — the suffering and the life. But I’m not sure the grey frozen place is suffering, I think it’s denial of suffering, refusal to feel suffering. But I think bringing life to the frozen place helps support it or ease it or something. Makes it possible to let myself feel the pain because there’s a sense of hope.
Now I see that I blamed myself as though “denial” were conscious which I don’t think it is. There are times when people are given a chance to see that they are in denial and they can choose to see it or not. But the “frozen state” described here is the frozenness of trauma, there is no choice involved.