Saturday I went to a workshop with Sal Rachele. He did some guided meditations. One of them helped me get back in touch with that feeling of being supported by the universe. So of course I was feeling enough better to have an old problem resurface. It has to do with being abandoned, usually by a man, but sometimes by a woman I was close to and thought I could trust. I went back to read my journal for 2005, which was the last time this thing was triggered really badly, and I see that I’ve increased enormously in resiliency. I’m rebounding much faster!
(Written in April 2005)
Feeling sick and sad. A huge hollow in my heart and tears in my eyes. I was able to sleep last night, and I was able to hold myself compassionately, but it feels so lonely — I so desperately want someone else to care about me that way. This feels a lot like the week or two before Shenanigan died. Oratorium playing — the music that helped with my pain about the divorce, taking it up into a larger context.
Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, my heart is hurting so much. Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you a lot and so do many other people. You are doing well with this grief, staying open to it. What you are really letting go of is not a relationship but an expectation. You will still have the relationship. Stay with the pain. There is another side, a new place to get to, that will be deeper and richer and worth the pain. Do not fear grief but stay open to it, it has lots to teach you. Don’t forget that we love you and support you and surround you. Let your painful heart rest on the Ocean of Compassion.
I’m feeling sick and sad and cold and scared. I can remember feeling like this at other times — usually when disappointed by a man. I think this is not so much fear of abandonment as it is the condition of abandonment. Having been abandoned. I see that frightened little kid, sitting on the rock by the road and hoping someone will rescue her.