Isolated

I haven’t built a fire.  I just have a candle lit.  I’m remembering that I felt that a new layer of trauma had come up to be processed.  If I go to Christine’s, I’ll be pushing it aside.  Maybe it’s better to stay here today and face the feelings.  In “Winter Solstice,” referring to Oscar’s loss of wife and daughter, it talks about deep grief and how difficult it is to negotiate the terrain.  I can feel the same deep grief in myself, but the cause is not so focused, the loss is not having friends, neighbors, family that I can relate to easily like they do in the book, not having someone to rescue me, as Elfrida rescues Oscar, and Carrie rescues Lucy.  Nobody was there for me, I spent my darkest times alone.

Woke with a jolt of fear.  So tired I just wanted to lie back down.  I was pretty depressed all day yesterday.  Did not have the energy to do what I had to in order to leave for Christine’s.

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m pretty bummed out.  I don’t know if it’s from loneliness or having no energy.  Please help me.
Dear Jenny, we love you very much.  This depression is a combination of things: let down after the busy weekend, a difficult conversation with a good friend, and the old, old material that is surfacing now.  Feeling lonely and hopeless and helpless is the essence of it.  We suggest you not try contacting friends.  You need to talk to someone who understands.  We suggest calling Barry at the Church, or Karen.  Dear Jenny, don’t be so hard on yourself.  You will come out of this, you always have.  Remember, we love you and God loves you, just as you are.

Just got back from massage.  Cory called me earlier, concerned about me.  She had picked up on the depression.  While I was lying on the table, I realized that I was feeling very isolated, in fact everybody was isolated, all of us at a distance from each other, self enclosed, and the space between was cold and empty and bright.

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