Yesterday was tough. I felt sad and scared and lost. So lost that even things like cooking breakfast and setting out supplements seemed strange. There was bright sun and bitter cold, which always makes me think of the front bedroom in the house in Portland where I lived when I first came back to the East Coast. I was badly depressed all that winter. Gosh, just writing about it brings cold to my chest.
I knew lost, scared and sad was a flashback to childhood but I didn’t do anything about it until I was driving to Cory for massage. This is the third time I’ve sorted out some difficulty in my psyche while driving to someone I knew would be welcoming and comforting.
So I said to the child “Of course you’re lost, no one ever supported you or praised you or mirrored you accurately. Of course you’re scared, you’re expected to know how to do things nobody ever taught you, you’re expected to do things you aren’t old enough to do. Of course you’re sad, no one ever showed you any affection or tenderness.” To my surprise, the feeling faded. This is the self-regulation Caryn talks about.
But this morning my cleaning lady didn’t arrive. I called her and it went to voice mail. So I’m worried that something may have happened to her. But I’m also scared because waiting for someone triggers waiting for my mother to come when I was a helpless infant and needed her for everything. Alas, talking to the baby didn’t help this time.