The session with Caryn was pretty amazing. This is where Somatic Experiencing becomes shamanic work. I wedged my self into my corner and started crying. I told her about being depressed again again, waking up OK only to lose it when I listened to a friend’s negativity and how there was nothing inside me to let me know when I’d had enough. I told her about Kayla emphasizing the “100% commitment” and how it threw me into confusion: should I just take care of myself? or try to “market” the slide show? or go into my studio and make art? Caryn said the first step is finding the resource, rebuilding it again and again. This is something I have learned how to do. I needed Caryn’s help at first, but I can (and MUST) practice on my own. She said some wonderful amazing things: that building the resource and then just staying with that energy, “cultivating and consecrating” it, and bringing forth wisdom from it, that is my job as an elder. I remember a long time ago she said I should sit with people who were dying because my energy would be comforting to them. How could she know that? I can’t imagine that just my presence would be comforting to anybody. But now I’m understanding this might be true. She said she was “channeling” and then I understood where the sense of authority came from. So I wish I had the exact words, but I do think I got the essence of it.
Notes written during the session:
Remember to rebuild the connections over and over.
Instead of making myself wrong, let myself grieve the things I didn’t get to do.
When I want to do something, but haven’t got enough energy, what if, instead of beating on myself, I was able to empower myself and imagine the matrix which is the appropriate use of my energy & imagination as an elder, and to cultivate the wisdom of my life experience.
Consecrate and cultivate what energy I have left, by feeling it in my body, in my imagination, heart, and thoughts.
100% commitment to this process
I need to keep re-aligning myself with the creative life force AND I don’t have to do anything with this force beyond feeling it.
Caryn McHose is a Somatic Experiencing practitioner in Holderness, NH.