How Do I Know What I “Really Want”?

Kayla and I have been doing a course in “Feminine Power.”  Some of the ideas have been very helpful. But recently I was finding it too abstract.  She said the basic thing was to take 100% responsibility for our lives.  I said I’ve done that, which I have, but that I’d lost the feeling of confidence and excitement about the “Sacred Sites” presentation.  I don’t know any more whether I “really want” to do it.

What Kayla said about 100% responsible, and trying to figure out what I “really wanted” to do — just flipped my life over, knocked it wide open.  What do I want to do with what’s left of my life?  I really don’t know.  I’ve been expecting that if my actions were aligned with my true purpose then the universe would support me, but that’s not what’s been happening.  The FP ladies said that the structures aren’t in place for us to realize our destiny, so we have to create those structures as well.  We have to commit to “doing what it takes.”  But I’m no longer sure what is my “destiny.”  There was one woman who talked about eating very little so she could stay slender and “attractive”, and she realized that wasn’t the best thing for her health, so she went out & bought fresh fruits and vegetables and started cooking properly to support herself.  Given that for me just getting through the day involves a lot of effort, maybe I’m not “supposed” to do any more.  What if I just did what I want to?  What comes up is the idea of taking care of myself as my first priority and forget the presentation.  The other thing that comes up is spending a lot of time in my studio, just making things.  Then I remember how hard it is for me to do that.  Mostly I could only begin when I had the support of an art therapist.  So I’m feeling really lost and confused.
How the HELL do I know what I “really want” to do?  I say “If it could be any way at all”…  I’d spend lot of time in my studio.  But I know that’s really difficult for me.  What would it take?  For me to heal enough so I COULD spend time in my studio making not art but what? silly little things?  ugly paintings?  Making “ugly paintings” was great at motivating me to actually set brush to paper.

I remembered the sense I had a while ago — that this was a new layer of trauma — and I was going to have to be patient and persistent, and do my best to be present to it.  Of course, as soon as I woke up “fine,” I fell into the old trap of thinking “I’m fine now,” and then when that turns out to be momentary, I fall into deep despair and helplessness.  If I had been able to tell myself, yesterday morning, “Yes, you feel OK now, and that’s very nice, but you’re still dealing with the deep new layer of trauma, and you need to keep protecting yourself.”  Then maybe I would have been able to stop a friend’s negative story before it got to be too much.

What was originally a slide show of pictures of Megalithic Monuments (Stonehenge, Avebury, etc) was digitized and edited into an audio-visual DVD that could be projected, while I gave the commentary live.  The work was done by Ben Moss, and I am enormously grateful for his amazing skills.

Megalithic Slide Show

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