Written in March 2011
Eleanor came over last night. We had a good visit. She’s been terrified for days and unable to sleep much. I wish I could do more for her. I suppose it could be her terror I wake up with in the morning. I wish I had some adult, or even divine, presence inside me who could reassure the terrified baby. Instead I feel like a not very competent child trying to reassure a baby. But that does bring up compassion from some older, witnessing part of me, compassion for the older child, who’s never been comforted herself, trying to comfort the younger one. I want to gather them both into my arms, hold them close, feel the gush of love in my heart for that courageous, compassionate child who knows the smaller one needs comfort and is doing her best even though she has no experiential foundation to come from. I’m feeling very jealous of Sue Monk Kidd who had managed to find inside herself a Divine Feminine presence, a strong woman of power. All I have inside is a bunch of frightened children. And the guidance voice. But there’s such a gap between them. There’s no embodied female presence, with the wisdom of the guides, but also the ability to physically comfort the frightened children. I think of my experience, painting the Red Woman, of the “she” who stood behind me and loved and supported me completely.