(At Kripalu with Jack Kornfield, December 2008)
I realize that just through doing the meditation I’ve begun to tease apart the tangled feelings in my heart and am also beginning to feel more strong and clear about what to do about W and solstice. Things come up as thoughts during the meditation and I notice them and put them aside. Gradually, they’ve been changing. The first day whenever I thought about her I felt the heavy drag of hopelessness and sadness, and I would think “I can’t do it,” i.e. try to confront W about what happened last year and clear my anger and pain before we go into this solstice. But I think that’s an impossible hope. When we tried to talk to her last year, she didn’t get it at all. So I think it’s better to protect myself from her, and be as clear as possible about what we do.
Had a private session with Hugh yesterday. He has actually trained in S.E. — Jack told him to. Since I was feeling basically OK at that point, I asked what to do when the tough times come. He could only remind me of what I already knew: come back to the body, the breathing, the present moment. Recite the phrases even if they seem meaningless and useless. Remind myself that I’ve come out before and I will come out again. Hugh commiserated about the fact that things that once worked (the Chalice Well, the Ocean of Compassion) or often worked (reminding myself of the traumatized baby) occasionally don’t work. That’s what it was like last week — none of my resources were available. All I could do was sit in the present with my breath and the pain in my heart. Thinking “soften around” didn’t help. I see now that my habit of making myself wrong for everything, especially when something “doesn’t work”, doesn’t help at all and just adds another layer of invalidation and stoniness. I didn’t think of forgiving myself for not being able to make it change.
WHAT TO DO WHEN THINGS GET STUCK
pay attention to breath and body, to weight
come into the present moment
recite the phrases to affirm my intention, even if they feel meaningless
“I’ve come out before and I will come out again.”
imagine Little Jenny with the Dar Gorani look
“I forgive myself for not being able to make it change.”