We’re All a Bit Battered

(Written in December 2008, at Kripalu)
Dreamed of trying to maneuver a car in a snowy rutted gouged lot.  There was barely space between two cars with a deep erosion ditch.  I may have hit some of the other cars trying to get back out.  I think they were all a bit battered.

We’re all a bit battered.  We bump into each other and hurt each other without meaning to.
OK so when I’m stuck in that horrible place of cold and isolated, with my heart shut tight, and hating myself for being that way, then I just recite the phrases, not to make it better, but because that is what I want — to bring kindness and compassion.  Even if I can’t feel it, reciting the phrases is good enough.  I don’t have to do more than that.  I can’t do more than that.

Pain in my heart like a knife.  Reminds me of Mom throwing her spear into my open heart, re: Colonial Dames.  So I see the knot: the part that’s been invalidated and feels worthless etc. and the part that’s angry: I’m not like that, I do care, just not the way you want me to.  No wonder I get stuck.  I also saw how every idea I’ve had at Neskaya has been wet-blanketed: both the all-day dance and the solstice party, which I pushed through on any way.  But I’m afraid this is a big component of my depression.  I feel hurt & sad because I need support, I need enthusiastic support.

Vulnerability is another word for interdependence.
Underneath you have an undying spirit that has got you this far.  You can relax in the unfolding of experience.

When love meets pain, it shifts and becomes compassion.  Feeling that it’s hard to say “may you be happy” to a friend who is suffering is a natural expression of that shift.  He ends the magnitude of the pain quote with “you are called to meet it in compassion not self-pity.” Which I can do.

May you be held in great compassion
May your pain and sorrows be eased
May you find peace, may you be at peace.

Let go of any bitterness that may have come
because you were not up to the magnitude of the pain
that was entrusted to you.
Like the Mother of the World,
Who carries the pain of the world in her heart,
Each one of us is part of her heart,
And therefore endowed
With a certain measure of cosmic pain.
You are called to meet it in compassion not self-pity.

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