Struggle with Self-hate

(Written in December 2008)
Sitting here doing computer solitaire when a bobcat walked by the bird feeder.  I got the binoculars and went into the bedroom and watched him walk along the upper level and turn into the logging road.  I went down to check with Eleanor and she got out a book and yes it was a bobcat.  She said it was unusual, and I should check the animal books.
I told her I was struggling with self -hate.  She understood how hard that is.  She said she was able to shift it one time by cutting off hateful thoughts and doing the lovingkindness prayer.  But I actually don’t have self-hating thoughts, I deduce it from the energy of wrongness and badness of me, and my difficulty finding any compassion for myself.  I did tell her my version of the lovingkindness prayer that I’ve been using, and a lot of feelings came up.  I’ve been reciting it without feeling or meaning the past couple of days.  She said there was a woman who did the program of the Grief Recovery Institute, and nothing happened, so the helper told her she should do it over again with a witness.  That made the difference.  I think for those of us who had inadequate, distorted, and/or nonexistent mirroring in infancy, the witness is crucial.

I looked up Bobcat in both the Animal Energies and the Animal-Speak books.  They both talked about a key quality being independence.  You may be solitary, or need to be solitary, you need to trust your own judgement, feelings etc.  There was a suggestion that maybe you were being alone too much which I think is what it is about for me.

Lovingkindness prayer:
May I be safe
May I be happy
May I be healthy
May I live with ease

This entry was posted in Breakdown, Depression, Spirit. Bookmark the permalink.