Somatic Experiencing

(Written in September 2009)
Walked in to Caryn’s feeling pretty good.  I told her about being able to use the idea of finding the relatively more comfortable place, and how I’ve been talking to the baby, feeling the uncomfortable feelings with her so she won’t have to be alone.  Caryn was pleased, these are strong signs of healing.  I also told her about Kayla complaining about not knowing what to do, and being unhappy being alone, and I was able to reflect back, “You’re feeling confused, bummed out, and angry,” but didn’t take on responsibility.  She asked how that felt, and I said the strength was in my turtle shell at the back.  Earlier I had been hunching my shoulders and pulling my head down between them and I said I felt like a turtle.  Caryn told me she’d seen a lot of turtles in their lake when she went out in a boat, and also about watching a big turtle in the Caribbean lay her eggs and then cover them with sand.  I really like the turtle shell image, it reminds me of having backup, resources to fall back on, also that mother can’t attack me from the back, but in front I’m open.  At one point, I don’t remember now what brought it up, there was a weight in my heart.  It was actually big, a big egg shape, made out of mud, and it took up space from my heart to my abdomen.  There seemed to be a lot of grief, so I cried, and wailed and sang, even sang “it is not kept, or guarded, or cared for … the soil cannot keep them any more.” It felt like huge grief for the earth and all the damage we are doing.  I spoke some angry thoughts too: “Can’t you see what you are doing?” and “You did your best to kill her, but she survived.” I talked about the “tough little drip that just wouldn’t quit,” and how I love her, and how she got me this far, and now I want her to have a chance to feel safe and rest.  I did some work with my face, feeling the tension, feeling the mask like a layer of wax.  Finally got into supported child pose for the last 15 minutes of the session.

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