Tired and Discouraged

(Written in September 2009)
Sunday evening.  I made a list of dances I’d like to do, and started a partial playlist on the computer.  With only a few, we started outside, doing Kos and Maize around the chimenea.  More people came.  We did dances from the “outside” CDs.  It got a little chilly, so we made a new center and danced in the sunlight, finally using Snake and the Moon to process back into the building.  We took a break & started again with No Woman No Cry.  Did requests: Fill Your Cup, O Brother, Community Dance, ending with Pradesh and Gaellic Lullabye.  We were quite a large group in the end.
At the end I felt pretty good — almost my old self.  That thought triggers a cold chill.  Will I ever get back to that self?  Fear changes to grief.
What am I doing with my life?  Doing my best to make decisions & take action that supports Peace, Justice, and Sustainability.  And I’m doing my best to heal from the damage of my childhood, in the faith that this wounded child is my bit of the wounded earth that I’m helping to heal, and also in the faith that my work on myself benefits others.
I just want to lie down and die.  I’m so tired and so exhausted, and so discouraged that all my hard work has not brought me to a place of feeling good about myself and my life.
At least I’m doing better than I was at this time last year.

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