Somatic Experiencing

(Written in September 2009)
Session with Caryn.  Went to my corner and cried.  Wanted to bang my head, but then pounded with my fists which became a punch — an angry punch outward.  I told her about being OK with things that would have triggered me: the idea of confronting Ellen, and Kayla saying she needed to do her grief work.  I see that those are signs that I’m doing better, even tho I’m not feeling better.  I can’t remember the session very well.  We spent a lot of it tracking sensation in my face and in my butt.  Toward the end, feeling really tired, I slid down until just my head was propped up.  The question came up about feeling safe.  I said I felt 99% safe — that was like my body was made up of small cubes of resilient material, and there was a little quiver of fear in the middle of my chest.  It happened again as I’m sitting here.  I concentrate on feeling the safety in my body and extending compassion to the scared part of me.  I told Caryn how scary it is when I don’t know what to do.  She said I don’t have to know what to do, I can just wait and watch to see what happens next.  She suggested “I can find something that is relatively more comfortable in my body or my experience.” She spoke again of how my body learns to regulate when it is with her body, and suggested that I start looking for people I can be comfortable with.  I don’t think this is something I’ve ever noticed, so it feels a little daunting.  On the other hand, I remember how good it felt to be hugged by Noelle.  I also asked for the baby back, trying to switch to the older dolls was premature.  I also told her I’d like to have something to be a “transitional object,” maybe a scarf.  Caryn asked what I would like for the baby.  (1) that she could feel safe.  Caryn suggested I spend time in the child pose, experiencing my weight connecting with the earth.  (2) that when she wanted to do something or express something, that it would be easy and natural.  I talked about the part of me that gets so scared when I don’t know what to do.  It’s the “tough little drip that just won’t quit,” and she keeps me soldiering on.  When I catch her at it, can I push the pause button? give her a chance to rest and relax?

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