(Written in September 2009)
Spent some time talking to Lynelle, sitting out on her front porch. We were talking about therapy — she said she thought people only did it because they had leisure and wealth, or they were forced to like she was. She said she thought people didn’t do it because they weren’t aware that such an option exists. They dealt with the pain by denial, addiction to drugs or work, or some other compulsive behavior. I told Lynelle I used to feel guilty that I had the leisure and money to be in therapy — as tho it was a luxury. I said I felt bad because I didn’t pay my own way (I meant earn my own living). She was surprised, she said I do pay my own way, she’s the one who doesn’t, who lives off other people (she’s on disability). I said I live off other people too, that’s capitalism. What was really interesting to me was that during the whole conversation I didn’t feel guilty, didn’t feel that my work on myself is “self indulgent.” Instead I felt very strongly that my work on myself changes the human energy field, and helps improve life for everybody. I was really surprised to find how solid this belief is.
I asked Lynelle about what’s been puzzling me, how can I tell I’m doing good work with Caryn, I don’t go into those awful painful states like I did last winter, and things in my adult life have improved e.g. not being triggered by S’s remarks. BUT, the infant part of me is still having a very hard time when Caryn is gone. Lynelle said that deep stuff takes the longest — because it is so deep, so early, almost entirely non-verbal. I’ve seen this myself, how the newer hurts get healed more quickly, the older ones are much more difficult — they’re built into the very foundations of my life. I think I was afraid that we were working on the newer stuff and somehow bypassing the old. But in fact I think we are working on that old deep stuff: when I’m with Caryn and my body is learning self-regulation from her body, and when I work with the practice of paying attention, finding the relatively more comfortable place, allowing what ever discharge comes up.