Who to take care of?

(Written in September 2006)
I had talked to Kayla about wondering if part of my energy drain had to do with helping Eleanor.  If it was, I was OK with it, I just wanted to know that’s what was happening.  Kayla said she thought it was unhealthy to let my energy be drained in that way — and of course it’s possible that my energy is drained in worry about Eleanor and doesn’t help her at all.  I found myself in the old conflict: how can I make ugly, worthless Jenny my top priority when there’s beautiful courageous Eleanor, and worthwhile Neskaya, and far more worthy causes to give my energy to?  Kayla reminded me of the “oxygen mask principle” and I could hear it and agree with my intellect, but the rest of me was all on the other side — horrified at the idea that I might put myself first.  I was vaguely able to remember that I was probably caught in the traumatized baby — or maybe the traumatized older sister who believed that her life depended on taking care of her younger siblings — anyway, the choice was before me again: do I make the traumatized baby my first priority, or do I abandon her for some other, more “attractive” project?  Put like that, I see that there really is no choice, she is my god given task.  I did find it difficult to formulate an intention — which is probably an indicator of the degree to which I was caught in a non-verbal part of me.   Something about wanting clarity about where my energy was going so I could consciously direct it.