I took the collage down to Caryn, and did my best to interpret it.  I said how I’d been a little disappointed at first, but the addition of Bella and the dancers really brought it together.  How did that feel in my body? Arms & legs were muscle and bone, but my torso was full of little particles full of energy.  Caryn suggested that they might be twinkling which sounded right.  I was SO TIRED that I went down flat on the floor as I did with Kevin.  I said I felt like I’d been cut into a bunch of pieces and whirled around in a dryer.  As I lay there, they settled down, somewhat like my collage.  Then they gained form & weight, became 3-dimensional, a sort of pile of cut up things, not yet integrated.  I saw that they needed to be allowed to integrate in their own way.  Finally I got tired of lying patiently and needed to move.  We went up to Kevin’s studio so I could roll & pour on the carpet.  Then I collapsed again but couldn’t get comfortable.  Caryn suggested I stop trying to change the discomfort and just be with it.  There was an odd tension on the right side of my face, and discomfort in my belly.  Then I noticed I was finding breathing difficult so I rolled over & put my hand to my face to open the right nostril the way I do when I go to sleep.  Finally Caryn suggested we sit in zazen which actually felt good.

Driving home I thought about what it felt like to have integration needing to happen, and how it felt when it was happening.  This is new for me, I think because it is NOT a conscious process, so I can’t think about it or write about it.  I just have to let it happen. In fact, it’s a good idea to distract the cerebral cortex with some task so it won’t interfere with the integration process which is taking place on the subconscious or unconscious levels.  I find that my “mindless practices” of playing computer solitaire and doing puzzles turn out to be very good activities for this purpose.  So instead of thinking of them as a useless waste of time, I do them consciously with the understanding that they are helping the process of integration.  Reading also works, but it has to be something easy, with a happy ending.  I find that reading old favorites, like Brother Cadfael and my Elizabeth Goudge books, works the best.  Painting or collage would also work, but I find it very hard to get started which is sad.  I know this is because these activities weren’t supported by my childhood.

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