I took the collage down to Caryn, and did my best to interpret it. I said how I’d been a little disappointed at first, but the addition of Bella and the dancers really brought it together. How did that feel in my body? Arms & legs were muscle and bone, but my torso was full of little particles full of energy. Caryn suggested that they might be twinkling which sounded right. I was SO TIRED that I went down flat on the floor as I did with Kevin. I said I felt like I’d been cut into a bunch of pieces and whirled around in a dryer. As I lay there, they settled down, somewhat like my collage. Then they gained form & weight, became 3-dimensional, a sort of pile of cut up things, not yet integrated. I saw that they needed to be allowed to integrate in their own way. Finally I got tired of lying patiently and needed to move. We went up to Kevin’s studio so I could roll & pour on the carpet. Then I collapsed again but couldn’t get comfortable. Caryn suggested I stop trying to change the discomfort and just be with it. There was an odd tension on the right side of my face, and discomfort in my belly. Then I noticed I was finding breathing difficult so I rolled over & put my hand to my face to open the right nostril the way I do when I go to sleep. Finally Caryn suggested we sit in zazen which actually felt good.
Driving home I thought about what it felt like to have integration needing to happen, and how it felt when it was happening. This is new for me, I think because it is NOT a conscious process, so I can’t think about it or write about it. I just have to let it happen. In fact, it’s a good idea to distract the cerebral cortex with some task so it won’t interfere with the integration process which is taking place on the subconscious or unconscious levels. I find that my “mindless practices” of playing computer solitaire and doing puzzles turn out to be very good activities for this purpose. So instead of thinking of them as a useless waste of time, I do them consciously with the understanding that they are helping the process of integration. Reading also works, but it has to be something easy, with a happy ending. I find that reading old favorites, like Brother Cadfael and my Elizabeth Goudge books, works the best. Painting or collage would also work, but I find it very hard to get started which is sad. I know this is because these activities weren’t supported by my childhood.