I was pretty much in low-grade fear all day yesterday. I was able to cry a little, sitting with Eleanor. I can feel a pain and coldness in my heart right now. My heart really aches. I feel sad and need some sense of hope. I feel like I’m helplessly watching the decline and fall of Western Civilization.
I haven’t done a blog post in a while. Partly still processing the shock of Evie’s death, also having some difficult conflicts in my personal life. Being asked to do things that are too much for my still fragile emotional state, and not knowing how to explain to people who I don’t feel safe with. The recent idiocy in Washington left me feeling like I just wanted to drop every effort in the political direction. Stop signing petitions, contacting congresspeople, sending money. I feel like I’m watching a huge house of cards beginning to collapse in slow motion.
Yes, I’m demoralized. It’s been hard to do practical things and there’s so much that needs to be done. I did do a laundry (good for me!) and I did shine the silver frame of the picture of Dad as a little boy (good for me!) I also dealt with two bank statements (good for me!) and see that I spent very little in July (good for me!) but I’m still at the edge of my income.
I’m hoping to give away a lot of family pieces: Granny’s desk, the silver teapot, the picture of Daddy, etc. Families in the next generation might like having some of them. It occurred to me that I’m trying to lighten the load. Wanting to die on a regular basis for nearly three years has left me feeling like I’ll welcome death when it comes. I read in Animals in Spirit: “Death means wanting to be peaceful; it’s knowing that your work is done.” (Posted February 19, 2011) I feel that I’ve done what I can to make the world a better place, and I’m ready to lay down the burden. Even though I’m basically enjoying my life — well, I’m not today, I’m really feeling depressed/demoralized.
I need some kind of jump-start. That would mean someone from outside giving me a boost. I remember Kayla saying that the Reiki training really helped her get going again when her life had been feeling stagnant. I need something like that.
I think about the sacred calendar. Kayla got very excited about the idea of presenting it as an Elderhostel program. So there’s a little boost. But the slide show being stalled leaves me feeling demoralized in that direction. A friend told me yesterday that Mercury has gone retrograde. No wonder the wrong car parts were sent. In some ways a perfect time to convert out-of-date documents, and get rid of stuff I don’t need.
Talking to some friends yesterday we agreed that the most important thing was to stay centered, focus on what we can do to create positive energy — in my case that means keep dancing — and hold my discouragement gently & with compassion. “Quiet my mind, open my heart, and offer compassion to the beings I see before me.”