Grief Work

(Written in April 2009)
Called Beverly to see if she would be willing to do some grief work with me.  She was, so I started reading from the beginning.  She challenged the idea that Mom & Granny & Gramp had not processed their feelings, but unfortunately I heard that as me trying to justify a grief that wasn’t really that big.  Then she said there was a lot of grief and she wished she could be here and give me a big hug — of course I dissolved in tears and that was what was needed. She said: “Your commitment to the truth and writing painting dancing is how you give your love to the world — and you do it with great tenacity.”

Reading Parker Palmer again — Mary Ellen made a CD of the radio program “The Soul in Depression” and he was one of the speakers.  He talks about having one’s limits being as important a clue to vocation as one’s strengths and gifts.  He also talks about “true self.” I wonder — if my “true self” was shattered by trauma, then how can I recover it?  or is trauma part of my vocation?  Beverly said it doesn’t matter, whatever happens to you, you go on doing what you do — which in my case means my commitment to the truth — which I keep right on pursuing, embodying, even while struggling with depression.  She says that’s how I love the world, enormously, every day.    (This paragraph also posted 2/24/10)

The day went pretty well after the talk with Beverly.  I think if I really believed that I loved enormously, that I am fulfilling my vocation by speaking truth, witnessing to truth, embodying truth, then I don’t need to do anything more “to prove that I deserve to live.”

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