“Big Heart”

(Written in April 2009)
With Karen I talked about having trouble taking in the love that’s there for me.  Karen said I was “lovable” and I cried and turned away.  She said I have a big heart.  I thought how can anyone love such a miserable blot as I am, and then I remembered loving Ruffles, miserable little kitty that he was, and that moment when I saw Daddy — miserable shrunken excuse for a human that he was — and was able to love him just as he was.  The only times I was able to feel love for mother were when she said something like “I’m not feeling very good about myself right now.” But she hardly ever let herself be vulnerable.  I see that when someone’s vulnerable and hurting my heart immediately goes out to them.  Maybe that’s what Karen means when she says I have a big heart.  And maybe that’s something unusual and worthwhile in a culture that tends to attack people when they are vulnerable.

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