(Written in March 2009)
I’m pretty badly depressed. It’s a little scary to be so depressed. I remind myself that both Karen and Caryn are away, and that I had three good days last week.
The session with B was perhaps a little disappointing because I left feeling so fragile and felt a little invalidated by the idea of the little girl who didn’t want to grow up. I want to think some more about this. She did not want to grow up because she was sensitive and easily hurt and she really needed a time of safety in which to relax, and learn how to do things with guidance and support — instead of having to guess, and be scared to do it wrong and be scared to ask for help. She needed a time of safety and protection to grow organically on a robust foundation. Instead she was desperately trying to imitate adult behavior because her parents pushed her into a position of responsibility long before she was ready. And they didn’t help or guide her, just expected her to do what they wanted. And she was terrified that she would be abandoned if she didn’t comply.
I’m finding Sue Monk Kidd’s The Dance of the Dissident Daughter very helpful.
“Descent is not about finding light but about going into the darkness and befriending it. If we remain there long enough, it takes on its own luminosity. It will reveal everything to us.” p93
“… an awful abyss that occurs after the shattering and before the new reality appears.” p95
“… There is the blank, stunned space of feeling stripped and peeled. We are not who we used to be and not who we will become. We are in the terrain of “unmeaning.” And we are alone in it.” p95
“There is deep wisdom in giving up the fight to make it go away. When we instead come home to our path, we come home to what is. You are where you are. So be there. Stop trying to protect yourself from the harshness of right now.” p96