It’s been quite a while since I posted entries relating to the breakdown I experienced in the fall of 2008 and the winter of 2009. You can catch up with these by clicking on the link for “breakdown.”
(Written in February 2009)
Intense session with Caryn. Got ensconced in the corner, cried a bit. We talked about ideas for Neskaya’s future — rehearsal space for dance groups! Then I lay down on my side with my legs wrapped around her butt to protect my stomach. Then there was intense anguished crying, pushing with my feet, almost pounding with my head & hands, body writhing. I felt horribly lost while I was doing it. Finally I ran out of steam & just lay there. I began to be aware of Caryn as alive and responsive, and to move my body in exploration of this small space, which contained me, held me, yet left room for me to be myself, to be my own shape. I called it “the first home.” Caryn said I had expressed a lot of pain about my early experience and what it was lacking, and now I was able to take in the safety and holding that she was making available.
I felt a lot better in the evening. Able to work on a puzzle — if not with real enjoyment at least without the sense of it’s being a chore. Also — when Judy was here she offered to wash my hair. We did it in the sink. So sweet of her. I would never have thought of asking.
(One of the things that happens to me when I’m deep in the pit of depression/terror is that I find personal grooming impossible. When I’m really terrified I can’t take off my clothes to take a shower. One of the ways I know I’m getting better is I start to be able to comb my hair and brush my teeth.)