(Written in November 2008)
Reading Natural Grace by Sheldrake & Fox. I started the chapter on prayer and found Matthew Fox on the via negativa: “The negative way is the way of darkness, suffering, silence, letting go, and even nothingness. Emptying. All these are prayer: experiencing silence; being emptied of images, verbal, oral, and imaginative; letting go; and suffering. It’s not just about asking to be relieved from our suffering, it’s about entering into the process, to learn.” p115 That’s where I am now, that’s really all I can see to do. Entering into my suffering instead of resisting it, making myself wrong for it, etc. The truth is, I have nothing else to offer. I wish I were one of those people who is able to find hope when things are really bad, and be an inspiration to others. But that slides too easily into the cultural ideal: Rise above suffering, refuse to give in, deny and repress and carry on — all of which is unhealthy. So maybe it’s my job to do the work that most people are refusing: to open to my own suffering and be there for myself with compassion. When Fox talks about praise, it feels like an assignment I’m failing. When he talks about the piercing beauty of the world I feel cut open, vulnerable, raw and full of pain. “…that you were not adequate to the amount of the pain that was entrusted to you.” I’ve done my best, and my best isn’t good enough ——— and what kind of impossible expectation is that, DAMMIT!! —— but it’s also true that “my best” can’t be enough to save the world, or stop me from aging and death. So then my best has to be to show up, pay attention, tell the truth, let go of results. To be present to the experience of aging and death with as much compassion and grace as I can muster.
That quote about the “magnitude of the pain” goes on to say “You are called upon to meet it in joy instead of self-pity.” No way I can manage joy. Yes I have fallen into self-pity. O but what about having some compassion for myself? That feels more true and eases my heart a little. Then I think if I can’t meet it in joy, at least I had a feeling of willingness, of this is something I can actually do. That’s got to be good enough.
There is another version of this quote which says “You are called upon to meet it in compassion… ” possibly from Kornfield.
I’ve been imagining that if I had “real” problems to deal with — an addicted daughter, a dying parent — that it would be easier to validate my difficulties, but I find this in Kornfield: “As it turned out, sitting in the dark forest with its tigers and snakes was easier than sitting with my inner demons. My insecurity, loneliness, shame, and boredom came up, along with all my frustrations and hurts. Sitting with these took more courage than sitting in the charnel grounds.”