(Written in June 2008)
Woke sad. Raining hard. Yesterday I was typing up from the week after Laura’s training, trying to describe the disconcerting feelings and being unable to. Karen helped a lot by telling me it was because my mind had no structures for accepting the new — previously forbidden — information. This past week I’ve gone through another round of very odd feelings. The explanation which makes the most sense is that things are rearranging themselves deep inside. Whether these “things” are mental data, or atoms and molecules, or energy patterns, I don’t know. And I don’t need to know, I just need to accept the process. Unfortunately I seem to need some kind of understanding, some kind of mental construct, I’m not able to just trust the process. I suppose that’s because my earliest experiences taught me that I couldn’t trust the Universe to bring me what I needed. Also, I need some kind of explanation to contradict the default position — which is so deep that I don’t even know it’s there — that it’s my fault. One time in the past, when I was dealing with odd feelings, Guidance said they were old feelings being released and not to engage with them. That seems to be good advice.
Yesterday I had a short period of profound grief — the dull heavy ache in the chest — I was afraid it was depression again. I went ahead and made lunch — and then typed journal for 20 minutes — which usually comforts me — and then went over to Neskaya to work on the Nia stuff. Which I was able to do and then I began to feel better.
I also felt frustrated and angry, that I’ve worked so hard on healing myself — got a short period of finding out what it felt like to be comfortable in my life — and then get hit with another round of baby trauma. It makes sense — I’m stronger, and I have a better idea of what the damage was, what I lost — so of course a whole new layer of stuff comes up to be processed. But I’m tired. I want to retire from my life, I want to settle down & work in leisurely fashion on projects that give me pleasure, and not do anything else. Not travel or try to expand my life in any way.