(Written in November 2008)
Karen was very helpful. I told her about all my contradictory feelings — even saw a kind of collage of torn & colored paper — joy about Obama, anger & sadness that I wake up with, crankiness and irritability. I’m beginning to feel uncomfortable about spending my days in “non-productive” activity. Because I’m not terrified and fragile, I’ve started considering which of the necessary things I can do, and that opened a door to the voice of judgement from childhood “selfish” “lazy”. Karen confirmed that what’s really going on is I’m needing to make space for a massive internal reorganization. It’s going on below consciousness, so I’m having to keep the neo-cortex occupied so it doesn’t interfere. I need to not ask myself to try to make decisions that will draw energy away from that inner work. That in itself is vastly different from my usual tactic of bullying myself to do what “has to” be done. I also talked about my anger at CEO’s who paid themselves 262 times what the average worker got while outsourcing jobs so that worker lost what little he had, and Exxon Mobil posting record profits while people can’t afford to heat their homes, and… Karen gave me a towel & said (with a gleeful evil grin) “wring their necks”, so I did, happily. I told her about the kid inside, and her angry energy, and wanting to make a mess and how my creative energy is coming more easily now.
got a lot done yesterday — surprised myself — I think it came from Karen’s validation that I’m not being lazy and self-indulgent, I’m taking needed space for myself, to allow re-negotiation at a deep level. “Re-negotiation” really is the best word because it suggests that there’s both conflict and dialogue going on, that bits and pieces are moving around, finding new alignments.
“Re-negotiation” is Peter Levine’s word for the process by which trauma is healed. It’s integrated into ordinary memory, instead of remaining a frozen, fragmented chunk that keeps pulling you back into the event.