(Written in October 2008)
Session with Caryn: I told her about getting activated with the psychiatrist and then calming it with the image of geologic process. Went thru several cycles of activation & discharge. Noticed that my head stayed cool, that when the activation was on the surface it was easier to handle, it seemed like “not me” any longer, when it’s inside my chest it feels like “me.” Caryn asked how I could tell the difference between “me” and “not me” and I don’t think I ever answered her. I’m reminded of the time with Ingrid Bacci, when my father’s sleazy energy seemed to be on the surface in such a way that I could actually peel it off — it was no longer “me.” Now I’m thinking that it’s something about the sensation on the skin that makes the difference. Later in the session I had a sense of a positive energy which started at my hara and expanded to my skin — that “plump” feeling. Very different from the activation on the skin. It’s like coming to understand that the disintegrating feeling, which used to scare me, means disintegrating of frozen armor, not disintegrating of “me.” I think I’m finally learning to have healthy boundaries! The last two times I saw Caryn I went right to my corner, pulled the pillows in around me, and said “Mine!” It happens spontaneously. Perhaps I’ve recovered a two-year-old part of me who tried to set boundaries that Mother just crashed right through. I spent some time in a state of relief and relaxation —o yes there was a whole piece with tension on the side of my neck, and a voice, finding the strong voice that comes out, instead of the frozen one that struggles. I began to realize that the pain I was feeling was the pain of the earth. Words came: “It is not kept, or guarded, or cared for,” so I sang that part of the Road to Ixopo. That felt satisfying. I hung out with relief for a while, and then I wanted to crawl, so I did that on my belly —oh! first relief led me to supported child pose & I got more & more relaxed, sliding into a sort of frog pose — then I crawled, then I got up & walked. There was a whole bit about my ribs, how they still hurt on both sides, especially when I did a twist. So I worked with the theraband, stretching my arm across my chest, both sides, & that freed up my rib cage so I could walk with more rotation of ribcage. She also asked me if I felt resolved with the Nia fall, I said yes, I had been able to find what I would like to have said in the NVC training. So we did the contralateral stretch, & then the lunge against the wall, which I can practice at home. She did some work with my feet and I practiced walking with much more articulation in my feet.
Well no wonder I was tired! That was a LOT of WORK.
“Road to Ixopo” is a song from the musical “Lost in the Stars“. We had the recording in my house when I was a child, and I was powerfully moved by the music. I was too young to really understand what it was about, but I had a sense of a great disaster to the planet. “Where you stand the grass is rich and matted, but the rich green hills break down, they fall to the valley below… The streams are dry.. too many cattle feed on the grass – it is not kept or guarded or cared for, it no longer keeps men, guards men, cares for men. The titihoya cries here no more….”