The Support of Medication

(Written in August 2008)
I felt so much better yesterday! It’s so amazing — to be able to enjoy my ordinary life instead of feeling like it’s an unpleasant chore. There were times in the morning when I could feel unpleasant feelings and scared thoughts and I fastened my awareness more tightly on whatever I was doing — like Lynn Hill climbing El Capitan — and was able to come fully into the present moment and leave the misery behind. I think this may be the gift of the medication. Wherever it comes from, I’m grateful.
It’s so wonderful to have enough energy to enjoy my life, to be able to work in the garden, walk the dog, fix a decent meal. I see that feeling so much better it’s easy to imagine I can do more — part of me still wants to do the weekend with Deena, but part of me knows it wouldn’t be wise. At least that doesn’t feel as painful as it did.
I’m also feeling better about the money issue, but I see that I simply have to hold hard and not feel I have to keep sending money to causes I once supported. and still think are worth while. I got overextended there for a while — both my time & energy and my financial resources. I was thinking about my pain around dying and leaving Bella to wait for the person who never comes, and realizing that because I know that pain, I’m reluctant to “abandon” anything — even a cause that still has plenty of supporters, even an object that I don’t use any more. At the time I saw it, the insight didn’t help because I could still feel my agonized resistance, but now I’m feeling enough better to say “Right. I can’t support them all. I have to choose which ones are more important to me and let the rest go.” I was telling Kayla yesterday how, when I first got on medication, I was able to actually use the insights I’d gained working with Karen. Before medication, I kept coming back to the same issues and nothing changed because the chemistry of depression is self-reinforcing. Something to remember when next I’m tempted to reduce the meds or take on another project.

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