Monthly Archives: August 2012

Tied in a Knot

(Written in December 2008) 1PM.  I’m doing pretty badly, I’m tired & cold, and I feel like a total failure.  I read the Jack Kornfield chapter on emotions and he says no emotion lasts longer than 15 to 30 seconds.  … Continue reading

Posted in Breakdown, Depression | Comments Off on Tied in a Knot

Guidance & Needing Help

(Written in December 2008) Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I just want to die.     Dear Jenny, you don’t want to die, you want a life that works.  You want friends, spiritual friends, a sangha.  You want to be reassured … Continue reading

Posted in Breakdown, Depression, Guidance | Comments Off on Guidance & Needing Help

Life is Difficult and Painful

(Written in December 2008) I’m afraid to tell people how badly I’m doing for fear they will be angry at me.  I feel like I’m stuck in a narrow hole in a deep frozen place — Dante’s Hell.  I feel … Continue reading

Posted in Breakdown, Depression, Trauma | Comments Off on Life is Difficult and Painful

Resource Notebook

I put together a notebook of good things people have said about me, or times when I’m feeling good.  I started it in 2010, culling entries from past journals as well as current ones.  I called it my “resource notebook” … Continue reading

Posted in Breakdown | Comments Off on Resource Notebook

Struggle with Myself

(Written in December 2008) I read a book that I picked up in the Library — Breakfast with Buddha. The author does a good job telling the story of a road trip with a middle American man and his sister’s … Continue reading

Posted in Breakdown, Depression | Comments Off on Struggle with Myself

Struggle with Belief & Guidance

(Written in May 2004) Struggle with belief: If I don’t do what someone wants, then I don’t care about her.  Mother drilled this belief into me.  So when my caring for someone and my need for autonomy* are in conflict … Continue reading

Posted in Depression, Guidance, Trauma | Comments Off on Struggle with Belief & Guidance

Mother

(Written in May 2004) I’ve been reading The Secret Life of Bees, recommended to me by Alyssa.  The ache in the heart of motherlessness, and the full juicyness of big loving women who can hold you with tenderness, and all … Continue reading

Posted in Somatic Experiencing | Comments Off on Mother

April 1994: Keeper of the Calendar

More from my continuing project with my past journals. Written in April 1994 Imagine a protagonist who is depressed and despairing, who doesn’t know what to do about it, whose life “looks fine” from the outside.  What would be the … Continue reading

Posted in Journal, Present Day, Spirit | Comments Off on April 1994: Keeper of the Calendar

“Archeology of the Soul”

As I continue the project of converting old journals, I find surprising validation for how hard I was working, and for my intuitive sense that there was more to my story.  So amazing to read of my struggles to understand … Continue reading

Posted in Interesting link, Journal, Present Day, Trauma | Comments Off on “Archeology of the Soul”