Monthly Archives: October 2010

Guidance

(Written in February 2007) Dear Guides and Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling a little bit lost. I feel like I’ve been soldiering on through depression and headache, and today I feel enough better to what? try to do some “real” living … Continue reading

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“Should” and Compassion

Reading from my journal from June 2010 I see how I create misery for myself by a convoluted and distorted thinking process, and my inability to trust my own goodness. My heart just went out to me, lots of compassion … Continue reading

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Struggle with “Should”

(Written in June 2010) Didn’t even have energy to write so I crawled back in bed. Had one wave of fear but I met it with acceptance and compassion and it faded. I think I did sleep for a while. … Continue reading

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Support

Support May 2008
Told Kevin I needed S.E. work and he did a pretty good job. I talked about the feeling of being revved up that I’d had most of the weekend, & got reactivated by Kayla’s story of Jan getting stopped by the Border Patrol. So when I got to Kevin I was activated. I talked about what I was feeling, grabbed his fingers again for something solid to hang on to, talked about the family party and the babies and how the dads were involved and cried a lot. Finally we identified some inner infants — one who’s standing up and screaming “This is not OK,” and one who’s curled into a ball in the corner trying her best to disappear. He asked where the revved up feeling was — arms & shoulders, neck, and in front of my chest. He validated that that space in front of my chest is part of my body. I identified lots of tension in my neck & upper arms. Even allowing the scared & angry one to speak didn’t change the activation — what would help? A sudden vision of a protest march with banners & signs — I’m not alone! I’m not alone! Someone else cares enough to take action. Kevin asked where in my body did I not feel the activation. I was sitting cross legged on the table & felt my butt & thighs & that part of me felt soft & juicy & red & melting down onto the table. It felt so good I just stayed with it — yes, this is how a resource is supposed to work. Then my head & body wanted to fall forward, needed support, so we piled up the pillows again. This time it was a much more improvisational process. I’d keep looking up and talking and then putting my head down again and Kevin would insert pillows or folded cloth under my hands or elbows and I’d relax for a bit and then either feel some new discomfort, or have some bit of information bubble up to be expressed. Kevin talked about the importance of support — detailed, particular, accurate support — and it became really clear to me how little support I’ve experienced in my life.

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Meditation & Depression

(Written in September 2010) While driving I listened to “The Mindful Way through Depression.” He was talking about meditation and pointed out that there was no goal and no ‘right’ way to meditate. The point is the practice of knowing … Continue reading

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PTSD

(Written in May 2008) That state when my brain is “jammed”, circuits crossed. Helpless, baffled, frantic. This is PTSD — flashback to state of helpless baby. Remind. JAMMED. CIRCUITS CROSSED. Then — pay attention to feet on floor. Do something … Continue reading

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Affirmations

(Written in January 2010) Barbara suggested I write a set of affirmations and go through them every day. I realize that I always think of affirmations as being for the purpose of changing something, but they could also be true … Continue reading

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Worldview

(Written in December 2005) I thought I might try to write a worldview or a set of beliefs that would help me be more patient and kinder to myself, and maybe even manage my life with more grace, ease, patience, … Continue reading

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Three Things

(Written in August 2010) When I got to Karen yesterday, I just cried. I said I was confused and discouraged and didn’t know what to do, had no way to know which technique was working to help me out of … Continue reading

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Acceptance

(Written in May 2008) Started yesterday with a headache. I met Pat as I left Neskaya and she said she had a headache too and thought it was pollen. O yes pollen, that makes sense. That allowed me to accept … Continue reading

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