Category Archives: Journal

Process of Understanding What I’m up Against

This is what I wrote in my journal this morning.  It shows how I actually use writing to understand myself better.  This process began with a realization that “I’ve had the sense that reading thrillers addictively was in an attempt … Continue reading

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Issue of Control

July 10 Fear came up.  The cold vibration in my diaphragm.  It didn’t fade so I stayed with it.  Tried to meditate — actually maybe I did finally hold on to the lovingkindness prayer for myself.  Somewhere along the way … Continue reading

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Grief about my Life

Journal entry from Friday, July 6 Grief for my life “bleeding away in hard dark places, among the cold faces…”  What would it mean to have a real life?  I think of Oliver Sacks saying “I have loved much and … Continue reading

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Broken

from my journal for June 10 One of the dances we did was Broken Hallelujah.  When we go into the center we are reaching out to our broken parts.  I have been imagining that I don’t have any broken parts … Continue reading

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Attachment Wound

Attachment wound — so deeply buried that it’s out of experience — absence of that felt sense of support now — felt sense of internal conversation — in there to be drawn upon Something going on — let’s sit down … Continue reading

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Identity Confusion/Conflict (for lack of a better title)

Friday, June 8 Don’t know how to start.  So odd.  I read what I wrote down that Elizabeth said in our phone conversation — “Identity in flux” — yes that’s exactly my experience. “Attachment repair” — homies seeking to “re-identify”  … Continue reading

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Journey

This was written 10 days after I sprained my ankle on April 14.  Initially I wasn’t able to walk very far.  The walk to the dining room can take 7 minutes.  Not possible in my disabled condition.  Fortunately, I can … Continue reading

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Learning Resilience

Woke up scared.  Still feeling a little activated, a kind of buzzing in my stomach.  I’m sure part of it was that I took Mocha to the vet, and she had two vaccinations: distemper and Lyme.  Yesterday she was very … Continue reading

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“…and it is trying desperately to flower…”

Written in Davis, California, at the time of my breakdown and hospitalization.    This poor tree is hanging at the edge of the abyss — its roots have no soil and are trying to press into crevices in the rock, … Continue reading

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In the Middle of a Huge Transformation

I haven’t done a blog post in a long time.  My life has been overwhelming, I am beginning to realize that I am going through an unbelievably HUGE transition.  Not just from “regular life” to “a place for old people,” … Continue reading

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