Category Archives: Depression

Issue of Control

July 10 Fear came up.  The cold vibration in my diaphragm.  It didn’t fade so I stayed with it.  Tried to meditate — actually maybe I did finally hold on to the lovingkindness prayer for myself.  Somewhere along the way … Continue reading

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Depression

Typing up from a month ago, I came to this: I woke up feeling a little bleak. just a little.  It’s as though I’m asking “What am I doing here?”  “What is my life about?”  And the answer is a … Continue reading

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Depression/ Apathy/ Exhaustion/ Despair/ Grief

Last month Erica was away for a week.  On the Tuesday when I would have seen her, I woke up depressed.  It’s the first time I’ve been depressed in a long time.  It gave me a chance to differentiate “depressed” … Continue reading

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What it Feels Like to be a Baby Left Alone Too Long

Saturday, September 23 This is what I wrote in my journal this morning.  Friday morning is when I have a phone appointment with Erica, because she is in Keene. Woke up feeling painfully isolated.  I usually say “lonely” but I … Continue reading

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Pain Becomes Compassion

I was typing up from a month ago when I had woken up feeling sad & scared, and was so disappointed that I had lost the good feelings from the day before.  I was angry at myself for “wrecking” my … Continue reading

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I Feel Pain Because I Love

Last Saturday I didn’t have any human contact all day.  I typed a lot of journal, played a lot of solitaire.  Washed a bunch of dishes.  Dumped a puzzle on the table & started turning pieces right side up.  I … Continue reading

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Bleak and Dark Inside

From my journal for October 2003 I’ve been writing and run out of things to say.  I’ve finished my tea.  I don’t want to move and I need to go on with my day.  There there Jenny, what you are … Continue reading

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Pattern of Overdoing and then Crashing

October 2003 Put on the Oratorium CD.  Sitting on the floor, moving with grief, pain in the heart, lack of hope — walking out into the desert with the fragments of a culture, knowing that it’s most likely I will … Continue reading

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Struggle with Emptiness/Meaninglessness

This was written on October 11, which happens to be my mother’s birthday. She died fifteen years ago. Woke feeling scared — tried asking it but nothing happened.  Tried bringing compassion to it, sitting next to it — no softening, … Continue reading

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Trying to Work with Fear

I’ve been reading my journal for 2003.  For several years I had just been typing up the guidance writings, but in 2003 I started typing up more from my life.  This was written in October 2003 Feeling so sad about … Continue reading

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