Category Archives: Trauma

Pattern of Overdoing and then Crashing

October 2003 Put on the Oratorium CD.  Sitting on the floor, moving with grief, pain in the heart, lack of hope — walking out into the desert with the fragments of a culture, knowing that it’s most likely I will … Continue reading

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Struggle with Emptiness/Meaninglessness

This was written on October 11, which happens to be my mother’s birthday. She died fifteen years ago. Woke feeling scared — tried asking it but nothing happened.  Tried bringing compassion to it, sitting next to it — no softening, … Continue reading

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Grandmother Patches

We were going to do a “Grandmother Ceremony” at Neskaya in May.  One of our dancer/teachers was going to be 70 this May, so she spent a lot of time putting together the event.  Alas, two of the four of … Continue reading

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Being Present to the Beauty of Nature

For a long time, because of trying to heal PTSD, and opening up all the pain I have been dissociated from, I was unable to enjoy the beauty of Nature as I had when I was younger.  Things are changing. … Continue reading

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My Life is Worthwhile

Feeling pretty good this morning.  (!)  I think it’s from the realization that my life, just as it is, is worthwhile.  It’s hard, but I don’t mind hard if I’m doing something meaningful.  A job worth doing.  Before doing the … Continue reading

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Tough Time

Sunday, April 28 I’m going through a very difficult time.  The bad news from the outer world doesn’t help at all.  I feel like I’m living in a war zone.  I am living in a war zone, between the people … Continue reading

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My Adolescent Self

Sunday I had been thinking about some words from my journal for the 60’s  “Well tranquillized for complicated return to P.A.”  I don’t remember what happened that caused me to run to my aunt & uncle in Hillsborough. but I think … Continue reading

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Insight —> Endurance —> Action

I spent my time with Erica talking about the good things that I’ve been doing spontaneously: taking apart the puzzle that’s been there for three months, playing music that I haven’t listened to for years, starting to meditate regularly, being … Continue reading

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What it’s like to live with PTSD

This is a series of journal entries from June 2016.  I think it gives an immediate sense of what my life is like. Driving home it was a glorious day, blue sky, white clouds, green trees, enough breeze to make … Continue reading

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Struggle with Old Patterns

I’ve been reading over my journal for 2016, trying to see if there’s any pattern to my life.  This was written in June.  It’s an example of how I work to understand something through writing. While I was at Barbara’s, … Continue reading

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