Category Archives: Breakdown

Identity Confusion/Conflict (for lack of a better title)

Friday, June 8 Don’t know how to start.  So odd.  I read what I wrote down that Elizabeth said in our phone conversation — “Identity in flux” — yes that’s exactly my experience. “Attachment repair” — homies seeking to “re-identify”  … Continue reading

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“…and it is trying desperately to flower…”

Written in Davis, California, at the time of my breakdown and hospitalization.    This poor tree is hanging at the edge of the abyss — its roots have no soil and are trying to press into crevices in the rock, … Continue reading

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50th Anniversary of Assassination of Dr. Martin Luther King jr.

My journal entry for April 4, 1968 I don’t know where to start.  It seemed as though the volcano was going to blow last night.  I wanted to smash a window or something — perhaps because of Dr. King’s death?  … Continue reading

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Feeling Unreal

I haven’t posted anything for a while.  My life has been very difficult: overwhelming, crazy-making.  There’s an earlier post about Feeling Unreal, so that’s been another part of this difficult summer.  I don’t even know how much sense this post … Continue reading

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Pattern of Overdoing and then Crashing

October 2003 Put on the Oratorium CD.  Sitting on the floor, moving with grief, pain in the heart, lack of hope — walking out into the desert with the fragments of a culture, knowing that it’s most likely I will … Continue reading

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May 1970

Yesterday I said to my therapist “I have the illusion that I’m not a loving person.”  O my.  Words that come out of my mouth like that are true.  So I have to really get it.  Reminded me that once, … Continue reading

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Words for Survival

It was 1996, the Summer from Hell.  In February I had tried Paxil for 5 days while my terror shot through the roof & got worse & worse until the 5th night when I didn’t sleep at all.  So I … Continue reading

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Frozen Terror

from my journal for February 1971.  I was living in a big house in Portland Maine with my sister.  I was 29 years old and had left California after a breakdown and all I wanted to do was hide.  I had … Continue reading

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Lost in an Indifferent Universe

Woke up this morning feeling lost in  an indifferent universe.  There is no God or spirit or meaning here.  I’ve been reading The Shack over the last few days.  I’ve read it several times.  I don’t like the Christian correctness … Continue reading

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Beautiful Broken Things

I found this piece on my friend Eve’s altar.  It really spoke to me.  In California, before I understood what had happened to me, I called these breakings “Shipwreck.”  I did not see these times as times of recovery and … Continue reading

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