Little Jenny

I think of Little Jenny and want to hug and comfort her.  I see her, she’s very real to me right now, and I also see how lovable she is.  It’s easy for me to see how lots of people love her.

I’m coming into a whole new relationship with Little Jenny.  I’m not sure how it used to be, I think I saw her as an image of who I once was, but am no longer connected to.  I could extend compassion to her, but — maybe it’s that I didn’t see her as a whole person. Now suddenly she’s very real to me, I see her as a whole person with many gifts: creativity, compassion, vision, and the wish to make people happy.  She’s both innocent and wise.  She’s who I really am, just at the point where the damage is beginning to shut me down.  I love her, and I respect and revere her.  I see that she’s who other people see when they look at me, not the damaged, vulnerable, fragile person I experience myself to be.  I see that Little Jenny is lovable and valuable, and I can see how many people could love and value her.  Somehow, though I still can’t take it in directly, at least I can see that that love is REAL in a way I never could before.

For more on the photograph

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Guidance

Dear Guides & Guardian Spirits, I’m feeling pretty bleak.  Tears behind my eyes, my heart cold and heavy.  Please help me!
    Dear Jenny, we love you very much.  We are sorry that it’s being so hard right now.  You WILL come out of this, you always have before.  Keep asking for help, it’s important that you do it.
I open Pema Chodron to this: “it starts with being willing to feel what we are going through.  It starts with being willing to have a compassionate relationship with the parts of ourselves that we feel are not worthy of existing on the planet.  If we are willing … to be mindful … of what pain feels like, if we even ASPIRE to stay awake and open to what we’re feeling, to recognize and acknowledge it as best we can in each moment, then something begins to change.”  When Things Fall Apart, p 84
Well, of course I’m angry at myself for being depressed again again.  Yes, that must be what it is.  I can feel my anger squeezing my heart.  Can I bring compassion to my anger?  Can I “soften around” it?  No, because I am SO ANGRY with myself.  I bring up the picture of Little Jenny.  Is that who you are angry at?  She’s doing the best she can.  Everything softens and the tears come.  There there, Little One.  You are doing the very best you can and it’s not good enough.  Accept, accept.
    Dear Jenny, it’s not that you are some kind of wimp that you can’t just bring yourself out of depression.  PTSD is a gnarled, twisted, tight package of energy and its claws go deep into your nervous system.  People drink and take drugs and hurt others so as not to feel this pain.
My heart is a lump of ice.  I’m holding it gently.  I feel like Mary, holding the broken body of her son on her lap.

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Ups & Downs

(Written in August 2009)
One of the downsides of having a really good week is that the slight amount of discomfort I’m feeling now — a little sad & scared — feels like a failure.  What’s wrong with me that I couldn’t sustain it when I got there?  No, it’s not that I “did something wrong,” it’s that life has ups & downs.  And my practice is: to bring compassion to this woman who is angry at herself for being scared & sad.  There there dear, it’s natural to feel scared & sad.  So much of your life was spent in futile struggle against the symptoms of PTSD because you were traumatized in infancy and didn’t know what had happened to you.  You learned to make yourself wrong for being terrified and depressed so much of the time.  Dear, you are truly a bodhisattva who chose this lifetime for the purpose of healing.  That means all of your work on yourself, even the techniques that failed to help because they were designed for more ordinary lives, not for PTSD.  You have learned to be more and more compassionate, toward yourself and toward others.  None of your work has been wasted.

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The “Wiggly One”

(Written July 2010)
I was feeling so sad all yesterday morning that I went to talk to Lynelle.  What had come to me was it was about the work with Caryn and trying to bring the Zen me and the wiggly me together and realizing how much of my life I never got to live.  I was able to cry again and that really helped.  Feeling sad now is helping me soften around the fear.
Dear Child, you have done nothing wrong.  It’s true that your mother hated you, she was jealous of your exuberance and intelligence and curiosity and creativity, and she did her best to crush those parts of you.  They are not bad and wicked as she taught you, they are your gifts to the world, your true self, your soul.  Yes it is sad that so little of that got to live in your life.  But more of her lives in your life than you think.  Her energy helped create Neskaya, and the spirit figures, and the other decorations, she burst out in the writing about the “Truth Express”, she drove Tiga with loud music during the time of Journey into Courage, she burst out in the Torah of Jenny.  When I told Lynelle the story of mother’s disgust at “wiggling around” she said it’s amazing I can even dance at all, and she’s right.  That part of me was just too strong, my essential strength, my soul.

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Somatic Experiencing

(Written in July 2010)
Went down to see Caryn.  The drive down was beautiful, blue sky, white clouds, wind & trees.  It was good to see her tho she looked a little harassed and hot, she’d been seeing people all day.  I went to my corner & we set up the cushions.  I told her about noticing at one point that I was sitting straighter in the car, but now I’ve lost it a little.  It feels more comfortable when I straighten up, but I don’t stay there.  So we worked on that.  She brought over a bench and had me put my hands on it, and imagine I was a quadruped.  Then curve my back up & down — it was a little like dog & cat stretch except that there was an emphasis on letting the shoulderblades meet when my belly was down.  Then Caryn had me press with my hands — use both hands and legs — to curl & uncurl my back while she pressed each vertebra so I would move them one by one.  She asked me to walk around.  I didn’t feel much different — I always feel self-conscious — but she said my spine was more flexible.  I came back & sat down feeling tired.  Caryn said I had just done a lot of work.  I bent over until the top of my head was on the floor.  When I straightened up, my stomach ached, so I hunched down again & comforted that part of me.  Caryn said I had just done a very big piece of work opening the front of the spine, and it made sense that part of me would feel vulnerable.  Once that part of me was comfortable, I could sit up & feel how the triangle of my knees & butt was very solid and supporting/grounding me and my upper half could move around freely.  The phrase came up “wiggling around” and I remembered mother’s scathing remark “that’s disgusting” as the 5-year-old daughter of a friend of Jo’s was wiggling around.  I was horrified & saw myself as bland, narrow, sexless, I was living at the Arlington Zen house and trying to be completely subdued and colorless.  Caryn asked if I could bring together both parts of me, the Zen straight and the wiggly child.  At first I thought I couldn’t, they were each ashamed of the other.  But I imagined holding them and loving them, and started to cry and cry.  At one point I felt so much grief that the wiggly one had been able to be present for so little of my life.  Caryn kept having me open my eyes so I wouldn’t get lost in the grief.  When that was over, I sat up straight again and felt how heavy the base was and how light the upper body.  I told Caryn about the time in the training when a battle between being weighed down & trying to pull up against it resolved itself into many tiny helium balloons, each holding up a package of heaviness.

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Earth Day

Because Earth Day was on a Sunday this year, we were able to celebrate it in our regular dancing time of 6-8PM.  This year, as sometimes happens, I was inspired to create a very rich centerpiece with many parts.  Usually taking pictures doesn’t work, because there are so many details, but my friend Judy Brubaker had her excellent camera and took a lot of photos.   I’m so glad to have them!
The base was an oval metal tray about two feet long.  Our friend John had brought it, full of crystals that he had gathered, when we did a clearing ceremony for Neskaya.  We used a lot of the crystals, putting them all around the building.  John told us we could keep what was left.  In the center I cleared a patch, filled it with dark rich dirt, and put a pottery vase in the shape of an elephant in the center.  In the vase are some willow branches with catkins, and shad branches with flowers just opening.

In the center I also put candles and some patches of moss.  Around the outside were rocks, crystals, and a lot of animals.  Starting from the bowl of moss in the lower center, going to the right, are Elephant, Orangutan, Eagle —Eagle is on top of a rock that asked to be brought home with me from Swinside Circle in Cumbria— and also marks the East. Then Leopard, Baby Orangutan, Chickadee and Polar Bear cub.  The group of white stones are well worn pieces of limestone from Iona, and indicate the North.  Beyond them are a small white Rabbit, a Lioness, and a large brown Rabbit.  Then comes Gaia, a beautiful green statue, holding the earth as her pregnant belly, the sun and moon for breasts, and if you could look closely you would see all sorts of creatures in her hair and on her body.

Beyond Gaia are Giraffe, Hippo, Dolphin and Whale.  The swimming ones are on a rock pointing West.  Beyond them are Moose, Black Bear, Baby Giraffe, Tiger, Frog, Penguin.  Marking the South is a ball of Hematite, a very grounding mineral, and a fluorite crystal.  The last two animals are a second Penguin, and another Elephant.
Around this centerpiece we did Root Dance, Gaia, Blessings of the Animals (which is not blessing the animals but asking for their blessings),  Tread Gently on the Earth, Enchanted Land, Forest Veil, Back to the Earth, and we ended with Peace on the Earth.  It was a lovely evening.

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Rebuild the Dream

Rebuild the Dream, by Van Jones
I picked up my copy at my friendly local bookstore (Village Bookstore in Littleton NH- may they live forever) yesterday, and read all the way through it.  The first part is painful, about the missed opportunities of Obama, his administration, and the progressives.  But Van Jones is so intelligent and knowledgeable, and the story carries on through the Tea Party, and the Occupy movement, to a final chapter that is totally inspiring.  Don’t give up!  Don’t ever give up!  The arc of the moral universe is long BUT IT BENDS TOWARD JUSTICE.

His own words:
“Jefferson … accepted that the nation was founded on higher ideals than his generation could embody.
“And yet those very ideals became our true north, calling us always to higher ground.  “We hold these truths to be self evident, that all … are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness.”  The story of America is the story of an imperfect people, struggling to bring our founding Reality closer, ever closer to the beauty of our founding Dream.

“Remember, every cause and constituency that people of conscience care about was in the garbage can, as recently as 1900.  At the turn of the last century, women couldn’t vote.  African Americans and other people of color had no rights at all.  Workers had no rights or security; there were no weekends; there was not one paid federal holiday; there was no middle class to speak of.  Kids were toiling in factories.  There were no environmental protections at all.  Not only did lesbians and gays have no rights; they didn’t even have a specific designation or acknowledged term in the English language.  That was where we were in 1900.”   p244

He goes on to talk about the people who wanted something better than this, who said “America will never be perfect.  But we can have a much more ‘perfect union’ than this.”
“Those heroes and heroines worked day after day, year after year, decade after decade, often risking their lives—to bring about progress.  Some were jailed.  Some were beaten.  Some were martyred.  But they didn’t give up.  By the end of the twentieth century, we had a much fuller expression of American Democracy.

“Those heroes forged an extraordinary century, characterized by the birth of a mass middle class.  They made heroic advances in the areas of worker’s rights, environmental protection, equal opportunity, and more.  What the world came to call “The American Way” is, in many ways, just an amalgam of all their hopes and aims: that America could be a thriving, entrepreneurial nation, where work is respected, workers are protected, the middle class is growing, and opportunity is expanding to more and more of our people.

“…  Some progressives take umbrage at the notion of American exceptionalism, seeing nothing but arrogance and jingoism in the idea.  But America is exceptional if for no other reason than because Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr made us exceptional.  The suffragettes made America exceptional.  Dolores Huerta and César Chávez made America exceptional. The Stonewall rebellion made America exceptional.  Over the decades and centuries, countless good and decent people of every color and every class have marched, worked, bled, and died to make this country exceptional.  We should be proud of their past achievements.  And we should speak from that place of pride as we share our dreams for America’s future.”   p245

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The Values of Belonging

I’ve been rereading Carol Lee Flinders’ book “Rebalancing the World: Why Women Belong and Men Compete and How to Restore the Ancient Equilibrium.”

THE VALUES OF BELONGING

There is a way of being in the world that recoils from aggressiveness, cunning, and greed, and there is a constellation of values that supports that way of being.  Rooted in a sense of interdependence so profound that it extends to even the smallest life-forms, these values were the basis for human existence everywhere for our first several hundred thousand years.  They arose directly out of the relationships our hunter gatherer ancestors had with the natural world, one another and Spirit — relationships that are most accurately understood in terms of mutual reprocity and even symbiosis.
I’ve chosen to characterize the values of pre-agricultural humanity with the word belonging. The word connotes the extraordinary dovetailing we see in any ecosystem — that special niche each life-form occupies in a perfectly functioning whole… [and also] that state of mind in which we look out across a forest or valley and say to ourselves “This is where I belong.” Out of that state of mind, what I call the “values of Belonging” flow almost inevitably:

Intimate connection with the land to which one “belongs.”
Empathetic relationship to animals.
Self-restraint.
Custodial conservatism.
Deliberateness.
Balance.
Expressiveness.
Generosity.
Egalitarianism.
Mutuality.
Affinity for alternative modes of knowing.
Playfulness.
Inclusiveness.
Nonviolent conflict resolution.
Openness to Spirit.

Carol Lee Flinders, Rebalancing the World

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Thoughts about Truth

I’ve been sitting here puzzling over the nature of “truth.”  Someone who was at my presentation last night started talking about people living long ago being warlike.  I asked “How do you know?” and he couldn’t really tell me.  I find it fascinating that people can read something in a book, or hear someone say it, and take it for “truth.”  When I do that, it’s because something resonates for me.  I already have some ideas and this new notion fits in.  If it doesn’t fit, I usually think something like “that’s an interesting story.”  When I first read Eugene Gendler’s “Focusing”, I learned the technique of paying attention to my body to find the answers to personal questions.  “Who gave me that book? Was it Sue? No.  Was it John? Yes!”   How do you know it was John?  Pay attention next time.  (For me, in my body, it’s a sensation of something socketing into place.)  Martha Beck has another body-centered technique you can use to make a choice (or to find what your deep self had already decided.)  She calls it “shackles on”, and “shackles off.”  Doing Somatic Experiencing is another technique that can add a lot of detail to the felt sense.

That’s all well and good for personal truths.  What about bigger truths, scientific truths, or religious truth?

I had a thought about “truth”, about learning “truth” from experience, rather than from reading or “figuring it out.”  It’s a bit like there is no “correct” version of a folk dance, there is only the version that this group of people do at this time, in this place.  On the other hand, there are versions that are more “true” to the way this dance has been done in other times and places.  This makes “truth” more like a line of flow that you are more or less in alignment with.  On the other hand, if I pay attention to my body it will tell me whether something is “right” or “wrong” for me.

Is there a “truth” that holds true throughout all time and space?  I doubt it.  On the other hand, I can read something like the values of hunter-gatherers, and feel a resonance inside me — yes, this is the way human beings were designed to live.

Niels Bohr, one of the great names in quantum physics, said “The opposite of a fact is a falsehood, the opposite of a profound truth is often another profound truth.”

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Knocknarae


Knocknarae is a mountain on the west coast of Ireland.  Its name means Hill of the Ruler.  On top is the cairn of Maeve, Warrior Queen of Connaught, and she still means enough to the Irish people that they have refused to allow her cairn to be opened.  I went there because my traveling companion had taken a class in Celtic Mythology, and knew about Queen Maeve.  We discovered that there was a “Neolithic graveyard” on the east side of the mountain, so we went hunting.  I was interested in Neolithic relics because I had heard about the possibility that Stonehenge was an astronomical computer.
This was one of those synchronicities I look back on with wonder.  My senior year at Wellesley I needed to write a paper about a modern building for a class I was taking in Modern Architecture.  I was home in Cincinnati, and a friend of my parents had a house designed by Frank Lloyd Wright.  When I asked him, he was very apologetic, but had refused many people and felt he had to refuse me.  He referred me to John Garber, who had designed a Church of St. John such that the sunlight fell on the altar at Christmas, Easter, and St. John’s Day which is near the summer solstice.  Of course I was intrigued.  When I met John Garber our first sentences were “Where are you at College?”  “Wellesley.”  “What’s your major?”  “Astronomy.”  “Would you like a job?”  He wanted me to come teach astronomy to his children at their summer place on the Damariscotta River.  He was interested in Astronomy because he had read Gerald Hawkins’ first article on Stonehenge, which had just appeared.  John said  he was interested in the Neolithic because that was when humans had settled down, and it was the beginning of architecture, agriculture, and astronomy.  I had a great time that summer, and it started me on the path to Archeoastronomy.
So when I stood at the dolmen that was east of Knocknarae, I already had a suspicion that the neolithic people were more than ignorant savages.  Dol-men means Table-stone in Gaellic, and a Dolmen is a structure with several (usually five) uprights holding a capstone.  This creates a chamber, and many of them were used for burial.  Between grave robbers and erosion, the earth mound that once covered them is long gone.  I looked at this balanced construction of stones inside a circle of stones, not on top of a gentle knoll but just over the height toward the mountain.  The capstone is trapezoidal, Knocknarae is trapezoidal, Maeve’s Cairn is trapezoidal, on the right, out of the picture is another flat-topped mountain.  Somehow the dolmen focussed the whole landscape, brought it together in a single magic shape, a huge piece of sculpture bigger than a cathedral.  I decided that this was the greatest piece of sculpture I had ever seen.  Since then I’ve been to London, Paris, Florence, and Athens, and still haven’t seen anything to equal it.
It turned my world upside-down.  I could no longer imagine that we “modern” humans had progressed since the Neolithic.  Considering the mess we are making of the world, that’s more true than ever.

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