“A time when you didn’t even guess that you were happy…”

I have been happy for days.  Something so unusual I can remember the times it happened in the past.  Winter Solstice at Stanstead.  Driving back from the first session of Writers for Recovery.  Seeing the chickadees coming to the feeder — I think this may have been when I was getting on anti-depressant medication — one of my first experiences of normal brain chemistry.  I think this started with the last writing session of “Narrative Care” writing on July 1.  The general format is to read a poem line by line, and then to write from a prompt.  The poem was  “The Happiest Day”.  It was about an ordinary experience of a young mother with small children, a typical day.  Looking back at the past, she realizes that she was happy then and didn’t know it.

The prompt: A time when you didn’t even guess that you were happy…

I always knew when I was happy. I remember moments, skiing, dancing with the mountain. They are the ones I remember, not the falls and clumsy times. I remember driving back from the first meeting of Writers for Recovery, and the rock in the road cut warm with the setting sunlight, and I felt a great surge of happiness. Moments from childhood? Decorating for Christmas, not the day itself. The pageant in High School. Looking back on childhood, I don’t see that I was happy very much, but I was innocent that there could be so much pain — in living, in the world. The moments I remember being happy were breaks in severe depression. I was always angry at myself that I wasn’t happy more often, little knowing that the source of my constant pain, so constant that I didn’t really feel it, and never knew I felt it until I got on medication and found out what normal brain chemistry was like for the first time.

Looking back, I can see that the reason I knew when I was happy was because happiness is such a contrast with chronic severe depression.  It was like the sun coming out briefly during a time of cold dark rain.  You would notice it so much more than if the day was partly cloudy with sun and shadow alternating.  Sometimes I have been surprised by remembering something in the past and realizing that I was severely depressed at the time and didn’t know it.

Realizing that I always knew when I was happy has given me a great boost in my trust in myself.  I always worried that I was refusing to feel happy because I watched my mother do it over and over.  It wasn’t until a mood specialist told me that the chemistry of depression prevents feeling joy.  You can appreciate on will power, but you can only enjoy if your brain chemistry is making it possible.

See also a post called “Joy”

Posted in Depression, Healing, Present Day | Comments Off on “A time when you didn’t even guess that you were happy…”

Tong-len for the Earth

from my journal for early June.  It’s very strange, I typed it into the computer just as it is here.  I put it under June 6, but in the handwritten notebook it’s not there.  I looked through both earlier and later entries and couldn’t find it.  A mystery.  But the passage is true no matter when it was written.

3rd cup of tea: writing practice. thinking about doing Tong-len for the earth. I find it very easy, which is a surprise because when I first tried breathing in someone’s pain, it was too difficult. But I love the earth, I have no distrust of my ability to love the earth, it’s easy to breathe in her pain because I’m already feeling her pain. And it’s easy to breathe out “comfort” in the form of a vision of a healthy planet.

“Tong-len” is a Buddhist practice.  In Wikipedia it says:  “In the practice, one visualizes taking in the suffering of oneself and of others on the in-breath, and on the out-breath giving recognition, compassion, and succor to all sentient beings.[3][4] As such it is a training in altruism.[3][5]”

Posted in Interesting link, Journal, Present Day, Spirit | Comments Off on Tong-len for the Earth

Further Thoughts

That journal entry for June 6 continues:

I’m also feeling more hopeful about the world. I think it was while I was working on “Goodness beyond goodness” that I saw that the Universe was so much bigger than the idiocy that’s going on on planet earth. I also understood something about undeserved suffering, that it is helping to transform the world in the same way that my work with my own pain is helping. Along the lines of “offering pain as prayer.” And possibly also even as a larger understanding of “Jesus died for your sins.” All these innocent people are suffering to redeem the world. I really don’t understand how that can be, it sits in me as a knowing. Maybe I’m beginning to trust my “knowing” without a strong felt sense. Maybe my felt sense of truth is becoming more subtle. I think of the quote from Teilhard de Chardin: “Evil is a statistical necessity of a community in process of self-organization.” Don’t know what he means by “statistical.” Maybe it’s that when a bunch of units are attempting to self-organize into a larger entity, some of those units will try to hold on to an old way of wholeness, which is wholeness by sameness, and a step backward. “Self-organization” is a process of combining differentiated units into a higher-order wholeness.

My goodness, this is hard to get into language. But it’s the most fun I’ve ever had. Maybe this is what poetry is for, to express the inexpressible.

“No doubt the universe is unfolding as it should be.”

One of the things I’m discovering is that, although it’s bad for me to be too much alone, I do need a certain amount of solitude.

The actual quote: “Evil is the statistical necessity of disorders within a multitude in the process of organization.”   from Teilhard de Chardin, Heart of Matter

“No doubt the universe is unfolding…”  from Desiderata.

The relevant verse:

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees & the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

My need for solitude — I am an introvert which means that contact with people can drain me and I need time alone.  Extraverts are the opposite, energized by being with people, not liking time alone.  Introvert/Extravert

Posted in Journal, Present Day, Spirit | Comments Off on Further Thoughts

Ereshkigal Revisited

from my journal for June 6   

I worked on two blog posts: “Professional Psychotherapy Client” and goodness beyond goodness.  The first one was about how I had missed out on a lot of what life has to offer because of severe clinical depression, and because I put so much energy and time into trying to find out the truth about myself, and trying to heal.  “Trying” is the wrong word.  Continually finding new depths and dimensions of myself, of my life, and working on healing the early wounding.  I am coming to understand that people who can get what my life is about are few and far between.  Lynelle and Erica are the ones I’m closest to.  And Karen.  And Jalaja — “the depths to which you are journeying.”  I am also seeing that, even though people don’t get it, and can’t value it, my life’s work has been a significant part of the larger — the huge — design.  In a traditional culture I would be valued as a shaman, one who has traveled into the depths of the human spirit.

Jalaja Bonheim    The quote is from her comment on my blog.

In reading my blog, I came to the post about Ereshkigal.  It was first written during a guided meditation in 1993, and posted to the blog in June of 2012, reposted in December 2018.  Looking at it yesterday, I saw a profound truth.  “This is what it costs” — pain, and misunderstanding by people around you.  The reward is bringing truths back from the shamanic realm.  This is a worthy thing to be doing with my “one wild and precious life.”  I have been living a wild and precious life without knowing that’s what it is.

Ereshkigal is the dark sister of Inanna.  When Inanna “casts her ear to the Great Below” she begins her journey to the underworld.

Doing Tong-len for the earth.  That also is a worthy task.  What did Kevin say?  My life is a severe practice.

Lately I have been feeling a lot of grief and pain for the Earth.  When I really got that my pain was not about me, it was about the Earth, it became easy to do Tong-len for Her.

Kevin Frank is an amazing bodyworker in Holderness, NH.  His wife is Caryn McHose who was my trauma therapist for many years.  They both work with the mind/body interface.  See their website for more information.

3rd cup of tea.  I went back and read the first post about Ereshkigal.  It sounds like I wrote it in my writers group in Franconia.  I went from there to “about Jenny” and then to the alternative version.  A lot of the alternative version was written on a retreat with Deena Metzger in 1998.  In some ways it’s confusing to read because the time sequence isn’t clear, but it also blew me away. blew me away.  I can see the bones of the shaman shining through the rags of the writing, sometimes clumsy, sometimes brilliant.  What a wild, crazy, deep, astonishing life.  And I sleep-walked through it, bored, tired, unhappy, unable to see my journey underground as more than severe clinical depression, “hurt too badly to live.”  Unable to live a “worthwhile” life on the surface, and failing to see my exploration of the realm underneath as a valuable contribution to the Whole.  I did have a sense, earlier, when I tuned into the goodness beyond goodness and found affection/love, that the political, social, environmental madness that’s destroying the ground under our feet, is totally superficial, doesn’t touch reality at all.  The people who are suffering are part of reality, part of the work of changing the — foundation? — reality? the work of changing reality, and their lives are not wasted.

Deena Metzger is a novelist, poet, teacher and healer.  She is a magical person.  I have done several workshops and two week-long retreats with her

“Hurt too badly to live” — The thing that scares me the most is that I will come across an animal who is “hurt too badly to live.”  What do I do?  I can’t heal it or help it, and I can’t kill it.  At some point I realized that, for a long time, I had felt that I had been “hurt too badly to live.”

Posted in Healing, Interesting link, Journal, Present Day, Trauma | Comments Off on Ereshkigal Revisited

Saving the Earth

I don’t know how else to get this important information out to the world.  These excerpts are from a long article in Kosmos online journal.  This whole concept is of overwhelming importance to me because the degradation of the Earth and the loss of species is something that periodically leads me into deep despair.

From Green Gold by John T Liu

When a region is de-vegetated—whether from greed or ignorance or both—many natural evolutionary processes are altered, causing several measurable and predictable outcomes. It is simply cause and effect. All living matter on the Earth is part of a web of life that has taken a lifeless molten rock surrounded by what for us are poisonous gases, and over enormous time, through continuous photosynthesis, transformed it into a beautiful planetary garden with an oxygenated atmosphere, a freshwater system, rich fertile soils, and amazing biodiversity. My observations and the results of numerous studies show that when you lose the vegetative cover, respiration through photosynthesis is reduced; the surface temperature and evaporation rates massively increase, causing spiraling negative feedback loops that can and do destroy functional ecosystems. When these negative trends continue for thousands of years, you end up with conditions very similar to those in the Sinai.

Ties learned from Professor Millán that thermal updrafts caused by very high temperatures on de-vegetated landscapes drive moist air high into the atmosphere where it cannot rain, but instead becomes an even more serious greenhouse gas than CO2. As one looks closely, one begins to see how the Sinai de-vegetation over time led to dehydration of the biome and attendant higher surface temperatures that caused an inversion in wind direction. These extremely high temperatures caused by human beings de-vegetating this specific region reversed the wind, which began to pull moisture-laden air to the south. If you play a scenario forward from 7000 years ago of a vacuum pulling moist air out of North Africa, the Middle East, and the Mediterranean, the end result is exactly what we have right now. It seems to me that what Ties and his team saw is very probably the cause of desertification in North Africa, the Middle East, and the Mediterranean.

It is important to note that religious teachings and evolutionary science-based analysis both posit that we humans emerged in Paradise. The Earth provides us with all that is needed for life to flourish. When studying how this came about, the best evidence we have suggests that the Earth formed around 4.5 billion years ago (give or take 100 million), when cosmic dust orbiting the Sun solidified into a molten rock surrounded by what for us are poisonous gases. As the crust of the planet cooled, microbial life emerged and began to differentiate. The planet’s violent crucible eventually cooled enough for photosynthetic living beings over prodigious time to transform the Earth into a beautiful garden with an oxygenated atmosphere, a freshwater system, fertile living soils, and wonderful biodiversity.

Looking back and studying the ruins of once great civilizations, we may be forgiven for thinking that our history is long. However, in relation to geological and/or evolutionary time, human history is quite sudden, short, and brutal. Over what little history we humans do have, it is clear that we often behaved as a murderous gang, terribly mistreating each other and massively changing Earth systems in quite dangerous ways. History is often taught as if those who most successfully brutalized, killed, and enslaved others were somehow the winners. From another perspective, it seems obvious that in violence and war, there are no winners. We all lose.

As the design team at DEME went further with an emerging vision of what was possible in terms of ecological restoration using the existing industrial capacity combined with ecological understanding, the corporation began to contemplate whether its future might be very different than its past. Looking at the options—extraction, the petroleum industry, the military-industrial complex, and just large engineering in general—one could consider this industry as archaic megafauna that is not really suited to a new reality that is more caring, egalitarian, and sustainable.

But perhaps we need to look again. What if this capacity to create change at enormous scale tempered by consciousness and mutual benefit was exactly what was needed? What if this power could be channeled toward regenerating degraded landscapes? Suddenly, part of the company began to see its future could be one that regenerates natural systems instead of one that destroys them. This change in intention is central to the evolutionary step that human civilization is called to take at this time. This type of thinking could provide a pathway for this and other companies to create a new holistic, sustainable industrial reality for the future.

Functional living ecosystems are formed of diverse life forms in symbiosis. It stands to reason that if human systems seek to emulate natural ones, that these will be extremely complex, decentralized, and interactive. The initial design for the Sinai is a very good start that immediately recognizes relationships between organic material and hydrology, temperature differentials and wind speed, direction and altitude, microbiological interactions with geological minerals, organic growth of vegetation and soils, and the importance of respiration of plants and animals in the regulation of weather and climate.

Several of the concepts in the Weather Makers thesis are groundbreaking. The Weather Research and Forecast modeling suggesting that fundamental shifts in wind patterns could be brought about by restoration of the entire Sinai is of huge importance. The strategic use of marine sediments on land combined with microbial and fungal inoculation has very large potential for the protection of coastal regions. Creating vast numbers of meaningful jobs for marginalized people has the potential to reduce instability and promote peace. The overall intention of the project has the potential to show the global industrial complex how to pursue regenerative and peaceful pursuits, thus ending pollution and degradation—making holistic engineering central to the future of human civilization.

We have grown so used to believing that things we produce, buy, and sell are the basis of the economy, it is hard to imagine that actually the wind, rain, and air are more valuable. Let us take a deep breath and ask if we are about to destroy our civilization, what is most precious? In a situation where climate change threatens our existence, what do we think is the value of natural climate regulation?

Following this thesis is like seeking the Holy Grail. The vision that we can mend our collective broken heart and live again in the garden is beautiful and compelling. If this is even remotely possible, we are obligated to take on the challenge.

Posted in Activism, Healing, Interesting link, Present Day | Comments Off on Saving the Earth

Three Ways Trauma Can Change the Brain

This came in an email, and I thought it was important enough to share with people who were interested in trauma:   Three ways trauma changes the brain.

The first is that the threat perception system becomes more sensitive.  Things are perceived as threats that really aren’t.  The amygdala, which is a kind of danger sensing device, has a hair trigger.  I’ve seen this in myself.  I learned to call it “false urgency” so I could catch myself and not rush out to take care of something that didn’t need it right away.

False urgency can also be triggered by the fact that the brain’s “filtering system,” which distinguishes between what’s immediately relevant and what can be put off, is not functioning properly.  This is the second way trauma changes the brain.

The third way is that your ability to sense what is going on inside yourself is blunted.  It has been a long hard struggle for me to learn to accept my limitations.

The “threat perception system” is in the oldest part of the brain, the reptilian part of the brain.  That makes it much less amenable to cognitive correction.  The “filtering system”  and the ability to sense what’s going on inside are in a more evolved part of the brain, and so more amenable to conscious interference.

Posted in Interesting link, Present Day, Trauma | Comments Off on Three Ways Trauma Can Change the Brain

Person Who Lives Outside All of the Boxes

Written on May 15, I’m just typing it up and think WOW.  How did I miss this?  Another message from the one who knows to the part of me who doesn’t know yet.

“What name is big enough for me?” comes from the Margaret Wheatley piece:  

To Hold Your Work Free from both Hope and Fear

Wondering what name is big enough for me.  “Healer of the world”?  Keeper of the Calendar?  Stonehenge — cross quarter days — megalithic instrument in the far north to measure the wiggle of the moon — Professor Thom and Callanish — circles whose ratio C/D is 3 exactly — “Pi” is some weird kind of number…  at which point I can’t remember exactly what it is about “Pi.”  That’s how long it’s been since I’ve thought about that stuff.  Mr. Gropen and catching a lion in the desert.  The larger class of infinity.  The Good Woman of Setzuan.  

Healer of the World

“Pi” is a non-repeating decimal

Something about the program won’t let me publish the Greek letter “Pi” so I express it this way.

Mr. Gropen taught math at Wellesley.  He was fond of telling us odd features of mathematics.  He was actually in the college production of Good Woman of Setzuan, and commented that he was surprised that more students weren’t interested in the play.

After I typed this up I added, in brackets, which indicates something added later: [person who lives outside all the boxes]  Mr. Gropen taught outside the box, Professor Thom discovered amazing feats of mathematics by the neolithic people who built the megaliths.

Callanish is my favorite stone circle.

A sense of who I might have been without trauma.  Well, no, that is who I am — can’t find words for it — I am still that person, not warped or limited by PTSD, instead applying my intelligence — curious, open, ready to move outside the box — to PTSD.  Here’s something big enough to really get my teeth into.  Not the universe out there, but the universe in here.

I say “not warped or limited by PTSD” — PTSD certainly limited my life on the surface: I was never a suburban mom, or a professor of Astronomy.  But my exploration of the inner realm of PTSD is not that different, in challenges and hard work, from explorations  of a mountain range, or Antarctica.

I think this is a result of what Erica said yesterday.  I am able to be with myself in present time.  I am able to be “natural,” to be who I am without the constriction of judgment.  She is amazed and impressed by my willingness to be with the process of aging, to be with real data in real time.  My goodness.

“To be with real data in real time” is the practice of being in the present, which I have learned by staying with intolerable emotional pain.

Posted in Healing, Journal, Present Day, Trauma | Comments Off on Person Who Lives Outside All of the Boxes

Collective Trauma

At the beginning of June, this description came in an email from “Humanity’s Team.”  It’s the introduction to a program about healing trauma.

“When you find that in the last few months you’re shakier, more irritable, more anxious, feeling less safe, and you can’t figure out why, it may be that old traumatic experiences and memories are bubbling back up to the surface, triggered by how things have unfolded in the United States and world.” Dr. Lachmann says, “The unapologetically authoritarian manner in which the man who occupies the Oval Office conducts himself is painfully similar to abusers, predators, sexual harassers, and seething misanthropes that so many people, females especially, have been forced to endure, or have likely been exposed to in one way or another in their lives. It is especially jarring because for many, the President of the United States is a symbol of bravery, intelligence, care and compassion. Instead, the President triggers memories of hurt, shame, fear, divisiveness, paranoia and distrust.”

Dr. Lachmann is speaking about the President of the United States, but it could just as easily be about the President-elect in Brazil, Italy, Poland, Hungary, the Philippines or several other countries.

Aside from the president’s behavior, she’s also speaking about related decisions to step back from the Paris Climate Accord along with the pressing global challenges requiring our attention like gun control, job training and income inequality.

“When you’ve experienced trauma – physical, sexual, emotional or beyond – or when you’ve had your self-experience negatively impacted by someone who overpowered, bullied or shamed you, it’s very hard to live through and live down.

“It takes a lot of effort and dedication to take your life and self-esteem back from someone who subjected you to their malice. It’s like trying to put back together the pieces of your shattered sense of self, or trying to develop a sense of self in the first place. 

“And now here you are, going along in your life, keeping the emotional and physiological experiences that come with trauma at bay, until you-know-who began to infiltrate every pore in your body and neural pathways in your brain, and you’re supposed to appease him.

“His style, his irrational inconsistency, and his inability to show compassion or empathy are painfully familiar.

“He reminds you of the painful past you have worked so hard to escape, and whenever you’re triggered, it’s like enduring the abuse all over again, and in a traumatized state, you feel isolated—only you know just how imprisoned, scared, alone and shaken you feel.

“The good news is that this time you’re not alone. What feels so eerily familiar in your mind and body is not an individual trauma, but a collective one.”

Posted in Interesting link, Present Day, Trauma | Comments Off on Collective Trauma

Goodness Beyond Goodness

From my journal for January 27

Quaker meeting here at Kendal. Lots and lots of thoughts. The idea of opening the definition of “love,” along with Erica’s assignment of “facets of love,” exploded my brain, but like a soap bubble, not a bomb.

Sitting there, I tried to listen to “God’s voice.” But I was listening for something out there. So I moved my intention and attention to a place under my heart, and suddenly I had such a sense of goodness, of goodness deep and tender, far beyond any idea of goodness that’s possible. I understood that that’s who I am, the seed of god in me.

Erica’s assignment of “facets of love” was to help me see that I’m not as unloving as I think I am.

The Quakers teach that “God” is inside us as a voice of guidance, the “Inner Teacher.”

February 9

Thinking about that goodness that’s so huge I have no name for it.  Perhaps it has to be God. It’s good, like good bread, or good weather.  Not like good & evil, it’s bigger and includes both. in some higher dimension.  So many dimensions above/beyond the one we live in.  That goodness — it’s the source of all, and it holds all.  Way beyond even the concept of god.

February 26

I periodically think about my sense of goodness and its qualities.  Reading about Sister Helen’s powerful, loving force, I see something quite different.  My goodness is like a star.  It’s powerful, it radiates, but it doesn’t move and flow.  It can inspire, but it doesn’t actually do anything in the world.  What Sister Helen is describing is a force that’s active in the world, although it can only act through human beings who have been willing to be its instrument.  

[typing this up, I see that I say “my goodness” as though I were that good, not just perceiving it.  Some part of me says “Well, maybe that’s true.  Maybe I really am good in that way.”]

“Sister Helen Prejean” is one of the women Carol Lee Flinders talks about in Enduring Lives.  She works with men condemned to death, and advocates against the death penalty. Her experience of God is bigger than mine.  She says of her childhood: “We were loved more than the law allows.”  Enduring Lives, p268

February 28

In the Dark Night of the Soul, he talks about having to let go of all attachments and rest only in the “love of God.” I seem to be letting go of a lot. But I have a problem with “loving God.” The word carries too much judgement. I can’t imagine loving a God that I’m not convinced is good. I don’t see anything to “love” in the goodness that I perceived, though maybe my definition of love is too limited. I wonder if I could say I “love” the immense, complex, creative, beautiful universe that I saw in a vision a while back? I love the earth — no question — and what is that Universe if not the source of the planet Earth?

At the end of May, I wrote: “That goodness beyond goodness, that I touched once, is bearing the pain too.”

It looks like I never did write the original story of that vision of the Universe.  It must have been in 2013, before the posts about it.  Nowadays we find the use of the term “Big Bang” as though it were a proven truth.  But I was thinking about the Big Bang and Steady State theories that were both being considered when I got my degree in the 60’s.  I thought that they were both simplistic, that the real universe must be more complex than that.  Suddenly I saw a huge multidimensional, multicolored image of something that contained lots of points of light in swirls and feathers and bubbles expanding and bursting…  and I got a “felt sense” of the reality it was trying to illustrate, its capacity of being beyond anything we could imagine.

My blog post about my own experience of the felt sense.

Posted in Guidance, Journal, Present Day | Comments Off on Goodness Beyond Goodness

“Professional Psychotherapy Client”

From my journal for May 4

After reading Margaret Wheatley, and recognizing that the things I love — circle dance — and what is of most value to me — writing about my life — are not about achieving a certain result. So I let myself accept that the earth will die — well of course it will die eventually — and was able to walk outside and appreciate the green grass and the buds on the trees. But it’s clear that I lost it right away. Well. My job is not to be happy, but to be present, and often what I have to be present to is pain.

I’ve heard people say that if you’re in the present, you will be happy.  Not my experience.  And I think anyone in physical pain would say that’s not their experience either.  When my trauma is triggered, then what’s present is pain.

May 5

I have a lot of things I have to deal with, the form to fill out for the oral surgery, and stuff like that.  Things I keep putting off because I’m too tired.  I was just reading something in my blog about the long ongoing struggle between letting myself rest and getting things done.  One thing I didn’t keep track of was when I stopped being able to do things that actually nurtured me: changing the hangings at Neskaya, putting up a Christmas Tree, an Easter egg hunt for my dancers, even elaborate centerpieces.  Slowly, one by one, I’ve had to let those things go.

From The Bird in the Tree by Elizabeth Goudge, p316:
“Shall I not see that to live is to have relinquished
beauty to the sequestration of the dark…”
Was that what life must be, a continual loss of beauty?  Youth, love, happiness, health, work, life itself, one left them one by one behind as life went on.  “Relinquish.”  It was a good word.  It suggested not the tearing away of treasures but the willing and graceful sacrifice of them.

May 6

I have been feeling a little sad and — not sure of the word, “defective” isn’t right — maybe it’s that I’m seeing that so much life experience has passed me by while I struggled with severe depression. Not so much marriage and sex and children, as jobs and travel and wide interests. Here’s Susan with her teaching, her eggs, her dollhouses, her genealogy, her singing group… I told Mary at Meeting, when she asked what I did, that I had been a “professional psychotherapy client.” I feel bereft of my “career” as founder of Neskaya, teacher and priestess of Sacred Dance. It’s not something I can talk about easily. I did try telling someone about it, but I could tell that she wasn’t interested. And I don’t expect many people to be interested. So where do I go from here?

While I was still teaching at Neskaya and designing seasonal ceremonies, I didn’t feel like it was a career, or that I was doing something “worthwhile.”  Since I’ve been at Kendal, where I’m not part of the container, I’ve been able to see that my work involving Neskaya, is a career, is worthwhile.  I have not wasted my life.  The fact that most people aren’t interested does not lessen the value of my achievement.

Posted in Healing, Journal, Present Day | Comments Off on “Professional Psychotherapy Client”